Day 20, story of my addiction and why i relapsed after six years
Hello everybody, hope you're doing okay out there, stay strong.
Originally, i just wanted to check in real quick, but this developed into a wall of text, and i apologize for that in advance. But, after probably destroying my family, it's actually kind of therapeutical. And if my mistakes of the past can help just one person, it was worth it.
Also please excuse any spelling or syntax errors, i'm an advanced english speaker but its not my first language.
So here it goes:
I'm currently getting clean for the second time in my life. I've smoked all through school and college, but stopped when i lost my drivers license in 2009. It wasn't that hard, because the process involved regular tests and at the end, after one year sober, there was a big reward: Driving my car again. So it worked.
Why i actually started smoking at all around the age of 14 is something i will hopefully talk through with a therapist in the next months. I was the oldest of three brothers, my father was usually at work, my mom was in over her head. I suspect my drug use had something to do with the fact that i only remember her screaming or beating me. That more than once she told me she'd better gotten rid of me in the hospital and kept the afterbirth instead. Maybe it was my father hitting me so hard he broke heavy wooden cloth hangers on my back. That one time, when i was crying on the floor afterwards, he kicked me in the stomach so vicious i was shitting blood and had to go to the hospital. "Why is blood in his stool?" the doctor asked. "Because i kicked him in the stomach" my father said, quietly. No alarms were raised, nobody gave a damn. I was maybe 11 at that time. For the outside world, we were the perfect family, with gifted children. It's just a guess, but maybe it all started there.
Anyway, after smoking all through my teenage years and a large part of university, i had a bad experience with weed in 2009 and decided to stop and get my life on track. It was a sunny day and i felt really good, sober. Then i smoked a joint with a friend, but it was way too much and very potent stuff. I felt horrible and decided to give it a try, but the process to get my drivers license back helped a lot to stay on track, because it involved regular testing. I stayed clean from 2009 to 2015, six years, and boy, those were amazing years: Met my wife, started studying in earnest, went travelling. I did sports and when i look at pictures from that time, all i see is a well trained young man with a clean conscience. But at the same time, i would have horrible nightmares, even after years being clean. They were always similar: Somehow i got into posession of a large quantity of green, to "look over it" or something, and then i would get weak. I'd wake up soaked in cold sweat, and in those moments between sleep and being awake there was this horrible thought: "Did i relapse?"
But i didn't. I was out of the game. Friends would call me after years, asking if i "knew anyone" to "help them out" but all i could say was "I can't help you. I don't know anyone." And it was the truth. There were no points of contact with weed in my life.
Then, in 2014, my first daughter was born. In hindsight, that was the moment everything went to shit. Not because of her, of course, but because of what it set in motion. I was in my last semester, only one more exam, then i'd finally finish that stupid place they call university. Its a bubble, really, and i hated it but after that much time invested, i thought i might as well finish it.
Suddenly being a father, and with only one more exam to go, i looked for a job to make some money. Provide. I deeply regret the choices i made afterwards.
The best payed job available was being a caretaker for a guy in a wheelchair. He was paralyzed on one side, and i would usually start my shift in the afternoon, get him ready for bed, then sleep in a seperate room on standby. What i didn't know in the beginning was that a large part of the job involved rolling joints. He smoked about 10 during the day, since according to him it was the only thing that helped against his spasticity. Uncontrollable shaking, basically.
Looking back, i was arrogant to believe that job was right for me, considering my history with weed. But, being so sure that part of my life was over, i told him: "Man, you've got just the right guy, i used to smoke and can roll 'em like a machine." I told everybody who didn't climb a tree in three seconds that these idiots pay me 20 bucks an hour to roll joints and watch TV. The fact that i was so open about it tells me how sure i was nothing would happen. People who knew me voiced their concerns, but i brushed them off. I was a different person now, i told myself. No way i could relapse, right?
But it was like making a dry alcoholic a bartender, then leaving him alone behind the bar. A usual shift would end with him giving me a large amount of weed and the instruction "Can you roll me 20 joints? See you tomorrow" before he went to bed, masturbating with some sort of device. Poor fella, but i kinda liked him. Of course, that was before i knew what kind of videos he was watching while doing it.
When i was done rolling, there was always a little left. After a few weeks, i started taking the leftovers with me, giving them to a friend. It was like a game, but looking back, i was testing my limits. He had huge amounts at home, so he never noticed.
We got to know each other better over the following months. Then, one day in February 2015, we were talking about sex, just two guys talking about women. He asked me what kind of women i liked. "Slim with really big tits", i said, basically describing my wife. He seemed disappointed. "I like little girls under the age of ten", he said, but i thought i misheard (he had trouble speaking), so i asked him: "And you? What do you like?" He goes: "I just told you".
It hit me like a hammer. Here i was, father of a little girl, washing and supporting a dude who, like an excuse, told me he was actually happy to be paralyzed, because he couldn't act on his urges. He meant rape. Like he wanted a medal for that.
That night, i relapsed. Outside, it was dark, cold and rainy. I was sitting in his shitty appartement, away from my wife and baby, and i missed them. I realized that the guy i got to know and that i even kinda liked was really depraved. And in front of me, there was a big bag of weed, papers, and tips. And i thought "F*** this guy, i'm gonna smoke a little of his stuff. I've been clean so long, it's not a problem"
But it spiralled out of control so quick. As a pedophile, to me, he was fair game. Every shift i would steal one or two grams from him, and his sexual disfunction was my excuse to do that. I continued to do my chores, but from that day, i treated him differently. No more friendly words, less gentle, not a single thing outside my contract and i would not talk with him about my family. Soon after that i quit, asking for a different client. But before that i made contact with his dealer. I was hooked again.
Fast forward five years of daily smoking, until September 2020. For the first three years, it was only in the evening, when everyone was in bed. I'd walk the last round with the dog, smoke a joint, then sit on the computer gaming until early in the morning. It was like i never stopped, like i was that slacker teenager again.
The last two years, it got so far that i realized i might have an addiction. I'd smoke before going to work or during lunch breaks. I'd sneak away at family gatherings, funerals, weddings. I tried to stop many times, delete the number of my dealers. But it never worked. After two days i would restore my contacts (thank you google) and make another order.
Nobody knew anything, so the constant lies put a strain on my relationship. I'm bad at keeping secrets, so she'd find papers or tips from time to time, asking me if i smoke again. I denied, lied, played it down. Slowly, i killed her trust in me, and without trust, a relationship dies. Sometimes it felt that my stoned self maybe even wanted
it all go down the drain, so i could finally smoke and game in peace.
And it did. Last month, the tension that had built up over the years exploded in one, heavy fight. There was no violence or bad words, but after the fight she told me she couldn't go on like this. And i understand her: Who wants to be with a moody asshole? A guy that could be the nicest person in the morning, or a really mean bastard, but you never know before he wakes up? Who would sleep in, miss appointments, forget things? I'd done the same in her position.
Although i kind of expected that day to come, it was the biggest shock of my life when it finally came mid-september. We've been together for 11 years, have two kids, and i can honestly say i'd planned to spend the rest of my life with her.
But every crisis is a chance: After a few days in a high stupor, without eating, dropping my weight to 78 Kilos at 1,90m, i decided it was enough. The thought of "Why go on?" was replaced with another thought, a defiant side i never knew i had: "They don't break you that easy. If they want a fight, i'm gonna give them a fight" ("They"
being no particular person, more like the world in general)
So October 3rd, one day before my daughters birthday, was the last time i smoked. Just crumbs i had left. I still have my dealers number, i have money in my pocket, but i don't call. Every bit of romanticized view on weed, every bit of nostalgia has been replaced with hate. Hate on the substance that almost ruined my life. Hate about what it did, what i did, to my little family. I can't explain it, and i dont expect anyone to believe me, but the urge is gone. The thoughts are gone. I waited years for this moment and it took almost breaking me for it to happen. It's a horrible thing, but maybe i needed that brutal wake-up call.
Now, i dont want to look back, just forward. I'm looking for an appartement close to our house, so i can be there for my kids and support their mother. The kids are my number one priority now, luckily they are too young to understand what happened. Do i wish to sit beside my wife as an old man, laughing about this time? Sure. Can i have a fulfilling life without her, maybe even one day loving another person and be loved again? Also sure. It took me a while to realize that.
And it feels so good! I've gained weight again in the past weeks, and it feels like my batteries are finally full, not running at 60% all the time. Before, i was only hunting for moments of "doing nothing", now i experience that actually "doing things" gives you deep satisfaction. She'd went on a three week holiday with the kids, to get some distance between us, and i've used that time to work on the house, doing little repairs, making the kids room really nice. I've also started organizing my life, even helping friends organizing theirs. It's so much easier without weed. I've started running, doing push-ups, eating like a maniac. Slowly, i start to see myself in the mirror again, my shoulders growing wider, my teeth getting whiter, my thoughts not scattered all the time, but focused like a laser beam. I'm not doing that to win her back. I do it for me. Finally.
I didn't stop smoking weed. I freed myself from it.
The best metaphor i can think of is that before, my life felt like driving with the handbrakes on. Sure, you can move from A to B, but it's slow, loud, and you know deep inside it's not supposed to be like that. Now i feel like a Tiger, ready to pounce. Hungry, driven, relentless. It's a good feeling. I never want to be that other person again.
The next step, obviously, is seeking therapy. There is a reason i started to smoke and there is a reason that after almost six years, it only took the availability of the drug and the excuse of the owner being a dirtbag to start smoking again. I actually look forward to analyze that with the help of a professional, helping me understand myself and the decisions i made. Today i got the results of my test: There are, even after 20 days, still traces of THC it in my system. Faint, almost at the threshold of "nothing", but still there. Time to go running again, sweating the last molecules out. I will never let it get back inside my system again. For the first time in my life, i have no doubts about that.
So, this is probably the moment for some sort of moral in this story, i doubt anybody read that far anway. But for the slim chance anyone did, and because it would make me happy if i can help just one person, i will try to summarize my mistakes or what helped me.
- For the first time, i was honest to myself and the people around me. For years i smoked and everyone thought i was still clean. I was too ashamed to tell them the truth. Now, for the first time i told my parents (broken people, still my parents), my brothers, my clostest friends and my wife. It's a big step and i disappointed a lot of people. But its much easier if everyone is on the same page. Keeping it as a secret only made it worse.
- Seeking professional help, because seeking help when you really need it is a sign of strength, not a weakness. There are people whose job it is to help people get back on track. They can help finding therapists or, if needed, a stationary detox period in specialized facilities.
- I ackknowledged its an addiction. Many people say its "just weed" and for years i hid behind Bob Marley and other famous potheads. It's an addiction and it takes a lot of willpower to fight it alone.
- I waited too long for the collapse. Weed is mostly a victimless crime with no real consequences, at least in the short run. I waited too long and i should have acted sooner.
- I try to be kind to myself. A long time, i hated myself for my habits, and its a very destructive thing to do. Realizing that everything happens for a reason and cutting me some slack helped a lot.
- Against the cravings, i started running. It's proven that it can help overcome those moments, sport is also a great antidepressant. I listened to my favourite music and ran until the craving stopped. For motivation i used an app, which i won't name here, but it involves zombies and running. It's free and goes great with music.
- I tell myself: "I'm freeing myself, not "I'm stopping". Its just framing, but made a huge difference to me.
- I realized that i can never smoke again in my life. After being a daily user for a long period of time who also started very young, weed is rooted in my brain, right there with the basic needs like sleeping or eating. It will take a long, long, time to go away, and probably never will. I'm at peace with the fact that i can never go back to casual smoking.
That is all i can think of. Thank you, dear reader, for making this journey with me. DM me for any questions or if you need a wingman on your own journey.
Edit: I'm in no position to tell anyone what to do. I just wanted to share my experiences and what helped me. So i rephrased some of my bullet points, since what helped me might not work for others and vice versa. I also tuned the language down to PG13.
submitted by NutleyHow
This is my analysis of “Excuse My Rudeness, But Could You Please RIP?” By Calliope Mori
(Warning, my Japanese is straight trash and I occasionally had to use Google translate to fill in the gaps. Take anything involving untranslated japanese with a mountain of salt.)
First I want to cover two important things before we start, first is Calliope's name, this may seem strange but her name if literally fucking perfect considering her theme. Which to be fair was probably intentional but hey, who am I to pull back the curtain.
First, her "First name" (I'm unsure if the name is following the western Given Name/Family Name structure or the eastern Family name/Given Name structure, I'm assuming based on the fact that she's a HoloLiveEN member that its the former.)
Calliope in historical context was the muse who's domain covered eloquence and epic poetry. Notably she is known to be the mother of Orpheus, the man who descended into the underworld to retrieve his deceased wife, only to fuck it up by doing literally the one thing she told him not to do, and that was look at her before they got out.
Her epithet as Muse of Eloquence and Epic Poetry is very fitting considering that Calliope Mori’s shtick is that of a rapper reaper. Eloquence is the term that describes, fluent, forcible, and persuasive speech, these are all things a rapper needs to be very good at to properly convey their world. Likewise a reaper, a being that ferries souls to the afterlife, is almost literally the definition of finality. Being able to so effectively shut down an opposing rapper in a rap battle that they can’t continue or stutter is a very good quality in a rapper and parallels the finality of the reaper.
Second, Epic Poetry is basically just poetry in the form of an epic, which is a story. Rap and singing in general is just another form of poetry. So it fits.
Alright, now her last name. “Mori” is the second half of the famous phrase “Memento Mori” which translates from latin to “Remember that you [have to] die.”, a phrase often spoken sardonically to those who act with reckless abandon, or people who act like they are invincible, the intent here is to remind then “Hey dumbass, you are gonna die if you keep acting the fool.”. More specifically Mori is the root word for the word Mortality and Mortal, while literally meaning “Death” or “Die” in latin. This is ironic considering that Calliope will sometimes refer to her views or human’s in general as “Mortals”.
Alright, 300+ words in and I’m not even done with the preamble, let’s goooooo!
The second thing to discuss is her personality, The two most common perceptions of the grim reaper in the western zeitgeist is either disinterested, or sympathetic. The first is born out of the idea that the reaper as seen billions of people like you and will see billions more, so giving you the time of day is literally not even on their radar, they have shit to do.
The second is that the reaper understand that you are having a pretty fucking awful moment, seeing as how you found yourself dead, and give you time and a shoulder to cry on before you go on.
Now, if you take the concept of somebody being either disinterested or deeply interested and put that into one character, who even switches between them depending on the situation, what do you have?
That’s right! A Tsundere!
I know all of you are weebs or just Japanese to begin with so I’m not going to explain what that is.
Alright, now you understand where I’m coming from, lets begin the actual analysis.
First, the name. “Excuse my rudeness, But could you please RIP”
First, this is setting up a common theme in this song, which is bouncing back and forth between being polite and respectful speech and unreverent and “Rude” speech. She does this through the song and even does it between Japanese and English. Side note in case some didn’t know, RIP is short for rest in peace, but is abbreviated to RIP when written on tombstones. However, using RIP as a word is sometimes seen as a nonchalant way of referring to death, using it in this way in the title goes to show that she doesn’t seem to really care about the greater details of being a reaper. But we’ll get more into that later.
Alright, I swear to you, the song begins now.
“Thank you for coming to today’s tanoshii live-stream.”
“Today, I think I wanna rap”
Here we are, she starts polite in the first and second line, then she drops the formal speech while maintaining the formal tone by saying “Wanna” instead of want to.
“Well then, shall we begin?”
Drops all pretense of being polite and respectful and immediately curses, presumably because being polite is hard to do consistantly.
“Modern-day killers really must hate fun.”
“More often, people takin’ lives rockin’ knives & guns”
Here she is basically shitting on people who use weapons to kill people, saying that doing so is not fun. Which to someone like her who enjoys killing, is strange.
“The real m*rder connoisseurs in the ruins of hell”
“Got used to luring the audience with moe that sells, cuz”
Here she is doing two things, she is talking about her self, saying that she really knows what she’s talking about when it comes to murder. The other thing is that she is doing something that rappers are known to do, which is shit on the establishment. It is a very poorly kept secret that companies are known to make cute girls do cute things to attract people into buying their product. Poking fun at the irony of her (one of those things she’s talking about) even mentioning that and not so subtly taking a shot at the audience.
“To my surprise, snatchin’ lives”
“*banned for the time being”
Presumable her contract for being a Hololive Idol stipulates not killing people.
“Nice Try, stoppin’ the MothuF**kin Da vinci”
“of human erasure, can’t stop the pace, sir”
Not only is she saying that thats not going to work, she is saying it would be like trying to stop Leonardo da Vichi from doing his work. Which when talking about such a genius would be ludicrous. Not only will she not stop, she won’t even slow down. Slight note, she is being sarcastic when she says sir. Saying it as a way to genuflect while completely not caring.
“Make sure when ‘standing off’ my rhymes slay first~”
I’m not 100% confident in this explanation, but I believe she is basically telling the person she’s talking to back off of her for the ways she’s acting, she remind him that her words are gonna do the killing before she does. She ends it with ~, which is a common way of ascribing a “Cute” accent to a word. I believe this is something done in Japanese writing when being translated to English. But I could be wrong.
“Jealous haters out there, high-five! I see you~”
“No one’s gonna buy this”
“B*itch, I believe you!”
Here she is either talking about how people outside the hololive community tend to call it all fake and made up to capitalize on the already mentioned cute magnetism, or she is talking about how people hearing her specifically won’t believe what she is saying.
Either way, she ends it with a dismissive that outwardly agrees but implicitly says she doesn’t care.
“Cute as all hell, in a literal sense,”
“A bit of pretense,”
“But the views are tell, no show, dollars and cents.”
She is backing up her previous statement by making the point that even if these people say they don’t buy what she’s selling, it doesn’t matter because just being there is still helping her. As it goes there no such thing as bad publicity.
“Don’t mean nada to the queen of “Sayonara”
“*Sayonara” means “Goodbye””
Reaffirming she doesn’t care, the interesting bit is the asterisk. This could just be her explaining what the word means in english in case english viewers don’t know. But I choose to believe she is referencing the famous quote “Kekoku means plan” meme. The joke there being that if the translation was so simple it should have just been in the subtitle instead of having an addendum. However in this context goodbye wouldn’t flow well with nada.
“Scythe and other super radical toys to tear your heart”
“Apart at the seams, still the killer of your dreams!”
“Slip your soul into my pocket, then I flee the scene.”
Here she is saying that between being cute/attractive, she will steal your heart and soul in a figurative sense as easily as she would in a literally sense.
“It’s like that.”
“If you take my advice, you’ll be killed by wha’cha don’t know.
“But the other saying that I like so much more is along the lines of “You reap what you fuxxin SEISO”
Alright, this one has a lot of layers to it.
First, her first line is saying that doing what she says will lead to getting killed, because killing things is pretty much her MO and more death is always prefered.
Second, her next line is just so good.
“You reap what you sow” is an old english phrase that means “You get exactly as much as you put in”, its good because the scythe as a tool is used to “reap” wheat and grain that has been grown by the farmer, however a “Reaper” uses it to reap the souls of the dead.
The last thing is instead of saying “Sow” she says “SEISO”.
Seiso is the third step in the Japanese workplace method “5S”, it means “Shine” and is the part of the process where you remove anything unnecessary to improve overall performance. This is basically the job of a reaper as they are removing people who are dead (Read: No longer useful)
“Gotta know, ain’t it so, could you let go of your soul for me?”
“すごい好き” means “I really like it” which she interrupts with the English word “Die”
This can be interpreted to mean “I really like it when [You] Die”
“I’m not asking for much: do me a favor and die?”
“Excuse me, but could you please RIP”
Oh shit, here it comes.
“~Kill ‘em with the bass~ “
A common saying with music production, as if the base is loud enough you can literally feel it in your chest, and that can feel like dying.
“〇すの事がタノシイ” ”◯すの事がTANOSHII “
This basically means “Its fun” or “This is fun” depending on the context
“Tee hee, Bitch”
Yeah, I ain’t got anything for you chief, girl just called you a bitch.
“Murder is so fu**ing KAWAII”
Kawaii is the japanese word for cute.
This means “Cute, Right?”, she is looking for affirmation in saying this. Kind of like when someone says something strange and looks to their friends for a second opinion. “Right guys, I’m not weird for liking murder, Right...?” ”死神先生+Calliope!” (Meaning Shingami Sensei Calliope)
As anybody who has watched death note would know, shinigami are Japanese death gods. Funny story, the word actually isn’t technically native to japan. When English speaker came to japan, at some point someone brought up the grim reaper and described it as the “God of death” or something along those lines. However some lines got crossed and they got “Death God”, which is what shinigami means. Nowadays we generally understand what is meant by shinigami and that is refering to the Grim Reaper
(Correct me if I’m wrong, thats the story I was told)
Sensei is of course a person whom you look up to for guidance or as teacher. Often this is translated as purely a sign of respect but just as often is a descriptor for a person who looks or seems the part of a teacher, even if they aren’t.
And finally her name, making the first two words her self description,
“Kill ‘em with the base until we get em to say”
Basically she wants to drop sick nasty beats until people are cheering.
“So it goes”
““Dead beats, listen up!” It’s what’cha want?”
“Coming in the night for ya!”
“Doing it my way, cuz in hell it ain’t a crime!”
She is parroting what she thinks her fanbase is saying, and then saying what she thinks they want. Then states that doing that is perfectly fine for her to do.
“Base high enough to exterminate ya”
“You’ll dance anyway, cuz it’s human nature”
She’s taking a jab at humans who will do needlessly self destructive things because they prefer short term pleasure over long term happiness. This joins nicely with the previous statement because asking the reaper to come early is probably the most self destructive thing a person can do. Thus making the human jab also be a jab at her audience.
“But before that, let’s have fun somehow”
“Until the day you die.”
She is implying here that you will not live long after she meets you.
“Sorry about that…”
She quickly transfers into formal speech with this line and the next.
“I over did it!”
“(Why are you rapping in formal speech… ‘s a little weird)”
She does this in a different voice, as if somebody else is talking to her.
“Not what’chu expected? Better ya straight forward”
“hear you all the way in hell, slamming on your keyboard.”
Note, the editor made a typo, saying “Slamming on you keyboard” instead of your.
Beside that she said that she can hear people slamming on their keyboards, implying that her previous trickery regarding her personality pissed some people off.
“Go ahead and BE sore, but I won’t run.”
“Because I’m a workaholic business lady getting sh*t done”
This is a fun tie back to the SEISO detail from earlier. As it is employed in business environments. She is also saying that the primary reason she doesn’t give a shit about people complaining about her is that she puts a lot of effort into her job and quitting because people didn’t like it isn’t worth her time.
“Taking souls? Not an industry for suckers, for one.”
Here she is calling people who would quit over complaints suckers because that's what is required for the industry.
“But it’s a mistress of darkness’s day in the sun~ (きもい...) “
Here she is saying that for somebody like her it is a very good fit for the job, at the end she says “Sorry” in Japanese.
“I really love this fake-murder shit’s eye-opening.”
“Taking words I get right off the cuff, and script my own thing, “m*urder with words ain’t enough?” That was the past me!”
He now realizes that despite dropping bars being different than dropping bodies she enjoys It more than she realized. Enough that she thinks all it takes for you to get her meaning to commit lyrical homicide.
“Gonna take a first-class master V to blast me.”
“Humans come at ME, I’m “masochistic” actually~”
I have no idea what she means by master V, the best I could do is guess she means the 1980’s gospel rock group, or the gundam. I don’t know. If you do know, let me know.
After that I think she is starting to like the hate, at least she says so. Masochism is when somebody derives pleasure from pain. Usually in a sexual context.
“Huh… Whatever that means.”
“YES, Whatever that means!!”
Here we see Kiara, 3rd best girl, pop up. I think she said this to Calliope during the collab stream, but I’m unsure. Beside that I don’t know the context.
“Come a little closer クソ鳥, THEN laugh at me!!”
She is basically just saying “COME AT ME”
“If you take my advice, “
“you’ll be killed by what’cha don’t know! “
“But inside, I’m kinda nervous and I don’t know what the word is “ For the other side of the gap? FXXK IT, “清楚”!!
I think this is her stumbling by forgetting the word she was gonna say, they giving up and declaring “CLEAN UP TIME” to cover her tracks.
“Settin’ out, do as I’m supposed to do, I’ll get close to you “
“If it’s alright with you, could I end your life? “
“Excuse me, but could you please RIP”
She’s doing the same thing she did before the first drop.
After this she repeats the chorus twice.
Alright then, that was pretty dope. I have to admit, this entire song is very well put together and very well researched,
One detail I really want to point out that I couldn’t find a good place to fit in was Dead Beats. Beside the fact that she humorously did not shake on calling her fanbase that (And completely unsurprisingly they all went “Yes Colliope, we are dead beats”) where as all the hololive girls pretty much broke immeditely when someone else suggested something, we also have the cool double meaning. Dead means dead which is just simplistically nice for her theme, and Beats are what you call music with a good rhythm.
submitted by Karmic_Backlash