Learn a Lesson from me
I used to post here quite a lot, and god knows I received a ton of great advice and support when I needed it. I want to pass along what happened to me this weekend as a lesson for everyone who's spouse is very suddenly no longer in love with them and coincidentally has a 'close special' work friend who they only just started to date once they left and said spouse is pressuring them to sign paperwork with no lawyers because that would just be taking money away from 'the children'. Because you can trust them. They would never, ever lie to you.
Don't trust them. Trust your gut.
I knew something was up over 6 years ago and my ex would pooh pooh me, tell me I was crazy/irrational/paranoid and then love bomb the crap out of me, My gut was telling me one thing - my beloved husband another. I chose to believe him. Then when DDay finally hit 4 years ago thanks to the OW pulling the trigger for him, it became a very 'nope. Don't love you, haven't in a long, long time and btw there is this coworker who just 'gets' me but no actual sex happened' yada yada yada.
Of course the narrative was a slippery thing on his end but what never changed was this was unplanned and was never meant to happen much less to hurt me. And I was bittejealous/crazy to think otherwise.
My gut knew, but my heart was easy to twist.
Luckily I am kind of a vengeful woman when it comes to the safety (both physical and financial) of my children and I fought back hard with a bitchy lawyer and my own personal talent on digging up dirt on the internet. Still, I always felt vaguely guilty because I somehow dropped the ball and I was being mean by getting a lawyer even though facts kept coming to light (a pension he denied existing. The friend he swore he lived with never existed, etc..) that he was lying and had been for a long, long time.
Then over the weekend I'm doing deep cleaning and I find his Cheat Cheat Sheets. Pieces of paper where he was writing out his dos and don'ts on internet dating/hook ups. There were a lot of user names on there, too. A lot of helpful hints about keeping the conversation light with a sexual undercurrent and something about 'so innocent = the kinkiest'. Also was a bank receipt for an account I had no idea ever existed with a balance of over $17,000 in it. The date was 2015 - a full year before he even met the OW now OWife.
I wasn't crazy or paranoid. I was right. I wasn't mean by getting a lawyer and forcing him to show proof of assets. I was right. I didn't drop any ball - he dropped the marital ball by choosing to cheat over and over. By planning it out. Even though I asked about it, asked for marriage counseling, asked if he was happy - he lied and planned this.
My advice to all the betrayed spouses out there - male and female alike - is to really, really take to heart that innocent loving person you married is not who you are dealing with now and quite likely for years. This person doesn't give a shit about you or your children. They care about themselves and their futures only. Lawyer up. Press for discovery even if you think you know everything - trust me, you don't. Don't make the mistake of others on this board who settled out of court for virtually nothing on the hopes and 'word' that their cheating spouse might just come back to them if they prove themselves worthy.
Divorce is emotional no matter how businesslike it's supposed to be. Don't allow your emotions to screw you and your children over for the rest of your lives. Protect yourselves. Trust your gut.
submitted by abermarm
5Y My eyes are open, and I’m still spinning.
33F with WS 33M
Background: 13 years married, 17 together. 4 total unfaithful moments.
- Dating breakup for AP - 2 months reconciled.
- 3 yr married. EA CW - unrecognized by WS. We moved out of state.
- 8yr married PA - defining moment. WS asked for divorce before DDay. We were attempting to reconcile when DDay occurred. Given 3 weeks of openness before emotional shut down and lockout of WS (“forgive me or don’t, I’m not discussing it any more.”)
- 10 yr married - PA (oral, stopped and confessed.) during my high risk pregnancy.
It’s been 5 years sense DDay of the incident that broke us. Yes, I forgave, I tried so hard to move past it... but WS just didn’t have the emotional capacity to really meet my needs to help me recover. We are 3 weeks into separation. I’m not sure how I want to proceed.
I found this tonight: https://www.affairrecovery.com/newslettefoundeanger-dealing-with-betrayal
and it spoke to me in volumes. I have been so angry for the past few years. I was angry that he shut down on me. Angry for him never making therapy of any kind a priority for us. I was angry that he saw just being there with me as enough. The anger now has become as big of a problem as the PA. It had become the vengeful anger, the burn it down and forget who it takes with it anger. I never wanted that, I only wanted WS to see the pain I was truly in, and acknowledge that we needed help. I used anger to protect my heart.
We’ve discussed that we will finally go to marriage counciling during our separation. He acknowledged he has individual work to do, and asked me to as well. (Although he has wanted to believe it was mental illness... but really, it was my anger that pushed us here.) However, the paperwork costs the same for separation and divorce here... except with separation you have to pay again for the divorce if you go that route. Paperwork for a divorce should be ready in a week or so, agreed on. Then it’s 90 days to make up our minds.
I’m so torn, because to him, maybe we will figure out our issues and reconcile 2-5 years down the road. I’m of the belief that it’s now or I move on, but that I don’t have a crystal ball for the future. We’ve talked better and been better friends sense we “broke up” three weeks ago. In that moment, to work together for our kids, I let all the anger go. Now I see what that anger truly did.
And seeing what the anger did, seeing how it pushed us to the point... I’m so torn on my next move. Do I approach the counciling as a way of releasing all the things left unsaid just to be better coparents? Do I approach it with a new heart without anger and try to work on establishing communication and trust again? Do I just let it all go and walk away from 13 years and try again with someone new where there isn’t so much bad history?
That is my crossroads, and my breath of life to BS and WS. Don’t let anger be your defining moment.
submitted by Shadowgirl113