Even a poor orphan, a simple laborer or a lowly bandit will have a special trinket or something they would view as worth more than any gold or item you could offer to trade for. The trinkets are either not worth anything but have sentimental value or worth something but not too much to be worth taking. This is for a DM who wants to add just a little more personality to the lowly folk who do not have much to their name. (P.S. it has to be easy to carry around and travel with. A bandit or a refugee can not afford to carry a bed frame everywhere they go, but, a good bed roll with a mixed feather and hay stuffing can be carried)
- Baby Teeth: a collection of baby teeth in a leather pouch that are jingling with some spare copper pieces and a pebble.
- A Souvenir Spoon: it seems to be a expensive and finely engraved spoon, but, a cursory close look reveals it is a cheap pewter spoon that can not be used to eat as it is frail and thin.
- A thinly "Silver" Plated Shot: It is a lead cap for a bolt plated with silver (more like shined up tin). Supposedly good for killing werewolves and magical creatures, but, in all likelihood, it would not work as advertised.
- A crude drawing: it is a painting that seems to be made by a child or simpleton. It depicts a little cottage near a river with a woman, a man, a small girl and a small boy. A smiling hog with x's over the eye are in the background.
- A semi professional scrimshaw: an animal tooth or tusk covered in small etchings. The drawings are varied from a naked woman to a dog. They are not well done nor horrible.
- A lucky coin: it is a dirty silver coin that has a lot of damage to it. Only a really down on their luck merchant would accept it.
- A White Lotus Tile: It is a old game piece that seems to be worthless. The game (Pai Sho) is not a common one in this country and most who know the game will not use the piece, but, a few die hards will use it to great effect using it as a center cover.
- A fire scorched leather cauldron: A heavily worn leather cauldron that seems to have been well cared for. It permanently smells slightly of bean and cabbage stew.
- A crudely made wooden spoon: a poorly made wooden spoon that is too thick to eat with easily and too short to cook with.
- Weak Mead with Juniper berry: a homemade mead mixed with a juniper puree that is in a repeatedly reused bottle. It is a pleasant brew but not strong enough to get drunk off of.
- (Xx_TheNoobSlayer_xX) An old letter. Edges worn and slightly torn from repeated viewings. The writer must have meant a lot to the reader.
- (imperfectchicken) Wooden bead necklace/bracelet: a rough-looking beads strung loosely over a circle of thin cord. Some are smoothed by fidgeting with them and physical wear. A few burnt. The cord seems to have been tied and retied, but, never replaced.
- (imperfectchicken) Tin locket: a tin locket on a string. It's big enough to hold a ring or similar item. The locking clasp is broken and replaced with a twine piece and two holes.
- (imperfectchicken) Wooden ring: a plain but balanced wooden ring with no distinguishing markings. Its outside is badly scratched; its inside is polished from wear.
- A fool king's copper: A bronze coin that has been given two faces of an forgotten leader on both sides. No one will accept it as it looks like a counterfeit. A run-of-the-mill collector may trade you for 5 copper pieces for it but they are uncommon and not desirable.
- (MurkyGlover) A roughly woven blanket with the finely tailored crest of a noble family roughly sewn in, threadbare and old. It is stained and may have seen several generations. It smells of a grandmother's home and a noble's enchanted cologne.
- (MurkyGlover) A magnifying glass, albeit a scratched and dirty one. Seems to have been made in a rush and with as low cost material as available. May have belonged to a scholar or a wizard.
- (MurkyGlover) A single, small, flawless pearl, woven into a braided hemp necklace that had a worn bloodstain and sea salt crystals on it. It is well made but, the pearl is too small to be worth anything on the market.
- (advancedtaran) A tooth or claw hung from a leather band: possibly a first hunt. It is a small trophy and smells of saddle soap and preserving oil.
- (advancedtaran) A hag stone or looking rock: a stone with a hole in it that formed naturally. The superstitious say you can see through fey illusions with it, but, no one or thing has officially confirmed or denied it.
- (advancedtaran) A shiny pebble: It is a pebble that has a interesting pattern in it. It was shined by finger tip.
- (RandomOptimist) Patchwork quilt: the different faded scraps that make up this quilt came from different garments over the years, and are vital links to the memories of those days
- (RandomOptimist) Simple white veil: seems worn by every bride in the family for who knows how long, this many-times-mended heirloom is neatly folded and tucked away for the next generation.
- (RandomOptimist) Brass candlesticks: a wedding gift, these candlesticks have graced the family table for decades, and have the nicks and dents to prove it.
- (RandomOptimist) An old pipe: crafted from cherry wood rather than yet another corncob or cheap clay one, probably a grandfather's old pipe became father's old pipe many years ago, and became theirs naturally or by force.
- (RandomOptimist) Carved statue of the Hunting God, brittle and cracking with age: Seems to be ancient but, in good shape for how old the wood looks. A minuscule layer of wax is on it and seems to be the only thing keeping it together.
- (RandomOptimist) A Well-Used Wicker basket: From picnic lunches in the meadow during our honeymoon, to many trips to market, that well-worn basket has seen a lot of use with holes and patchwork to prove it.
- (RandomOptimist) Ribbons that marked and cut after the 16 winters: each year at yule time, they marked the height of each child. Some of the children get over 18 hands tall, but, some never make it to 3 hands but, are still kept.
- (RandomOptimist) A thin board covered with little foot prints: first traced with charcoal and then carefully carved along the lines, this board has a foot mark of every child born, including two who died of fever before they ever walked.
- (RandomOptimist) Wooden comb: It is old to say the least and matches its age with missing teeth. The user might still look good if they style their hair with the combs missing teeth in mind.
- (RandomOptimist) Homespun Robe: It is tightly spun, but, hold heat well enough. It has seen many winters, but, reliable enough to not get frost bite for most winters.
- (RandomOptimist) Checkers set: A patchwork checkered cloth as a board and bag with white and black pebbles as pieces. It is well made for what it is and seems to have been passed from father to son for 4 generations as a stitched initial is added with each owner on a carrying corner.
- (RandomOptimist) A grizzled walking stick with a shiny spot two-thirds up: It seems to have been kept warm and dry for some time now. Just a plain branch that someone has made into a walking stick and others now use if the recent and old blemishes are anything to go by.
- (RandomOptimist) A sturdy iron knife with a slightly marred handle: It is a well made knife that seen a lot of use over many moons and maybe even winters. It holds an edge well and seems that it may have been worth several silvers but, the handle make it a bit unwieldy.
- (Brand_News_Detritus) A hand-made wooden flute with a small owl carved near the mouthpiece: It plays off key on each note, but, makes a solid owl hoot and ooh if left open on its finger holes.
- (Brand_News_Detritus) The tusk of a massive boar: It is well kept in a leather bag filled with seed oil to preserve it. By its size alone, the beast it came from must have been a powerhouse of meat and muscle. It must have been a legendary hunt.
- (Brand_News_Detritus) A master-crafted pewter medallion bearing the symbol of the Goddess of Love and Family Bonds: It's been buffed clean on one side as if rubbed during prayer. The other side is dull, but, readable as it presents a prayer for the faithful.
- (Brand_News_Detritus) A heavy cast-iron skillet (well-seasoned): It's in good shape and obviously well cared for. Its seasoning is so well baked that just shaking it upside down will clean it from any mess you may put in it and not even a egg will stick to its bottom as it fries. To the uninitiated, worthless. To a chef worth their salt, a treasure beyond measure.
- (Brand_News_Detritus) A blood-rusted iron arrowhead still tied to a broken shaft with a sloppy date on it: probably a war trophy or luck charm. Not sure if it was a shot by them or at them, but, if they are breathing they may tell you.
- (Brand_News_Detritus) A homemade herbarium: book containing dried and pressed wildflowers with little notes on each page with the date and season the flower was collected. Some of the information is wrong, but, most of it is correct.
- (Brand_News_Detritus) An swan-quill sized blue and white feather: The feather matches the plumage of songbirds common in the area although none are large enough to produce a feather of this size. Might be from the Feywild?
- (lopjoegel) The Holy Writ, a pamphlet of selected scriptures of several gods: seemingly selected to point towards a message that may have been on the concluding pages of the pamphlet, but those pages are torn off and missing.
- (lopjoegel) A receipt for a burial slot in the catacombs and funeral services: The specification indicates internment for one daughter, died at age seven, and buried seven months previously, paid 1 Gold and 7 Silver, with 1 Gold 7 Silver more due on a date seven days from now, for placement of a marker and seal over her pallet cavity.
- (lopjoegel) A baked clay/ceramic tile that is marked with a name in Celestial Script and a red painted name on common, Rockios. (A DC10 Knowledge Religion check will identify Rukios as a Planetar known for their interventions on behalf of the helpless and the common name is misspelled in oil and rust paint.)
- (misterjta) A crudely cut half coin on a string aka a Soldier's Bond coin: the edges now worn with age. The kind of cheap promissory token a young man may have given as he headed off to war long ago and one remains home.
- (misterjta) A small lump of roughly carved yew, part-finished: the top part appears to be the head and arms of a doll, with head and arms. From the mid-chest it's simply unfinished lumber, scuffed and unpolished
- (misterjta) A solitary child-sized shoe: its now-perishing leather worn with age rather than use.
- (misterjta) An old iron key: Lovely oiled, cut for the sort of vast, intricate lock normally found in a noble's keep. It doesn't match any door in the local area but, it has to match something.
- (misterjta) A scrubby lock of fine blonde hair, tightly tied with a scrap of silk ribbon: Not sure if taken or given, but, it smells like strawberries and lilac.
- (misterjta) A crudely made clay mug: cracked in the baking, smeared with tiny fingerprints, and too fragile for use. It's been carefully boxed and packed in straw to protect it from harm.
- (Chirb1) An emergency gold coin in a hidden sack that is directly tied to person's arm and shoulder: shined to a mirror quality polish in a specially made leather sack. It must be for the day they summon the strength to spend it.
- (loreschool) A wonderful painted commemorative plate, still in the original packaging: It was made to mark the date that Viscountess Gillian Lish stayed the night at the local tavern. Ask the holder and they will gush about the Viscountess' acting skills and grace. Ask anyone else and they do not know what who you are talking about but, recount the plate owner trying to seduce her but, ending up seducing her guard.
- (World_of_Ideas) Smooth Skipping Stone: A river rock that is nearly a perfect discus which is too perfect to just throw into any old pond or river.
- (World_of_Ideas) A leather bracelet: The workmanship is decent and a well made pattern is present on it. It was given to them by someone they care about.
- (MaxSizeIs) A poorly taxidermied pet: It is a butcher job. The hide is stitched willy-nilly together. The fur is flaking off the skin. Some parts are rotten and torched to keep the rot from spreading. Shaking it gives off a sound of a box inside. (roll d3 for box contents: 1. random animals teeth in a breaking clay mold. 2. a collection of dried eyeballs, 3. a will made in crayon promising everything the peasant owns to his killer.)
- (Kiyohara) A well-used belt knife: A dagger that broke and was tossed away by a noble or well heeled adventurer. It is honed and oiled, but has been used and resharpened so many times the blade is barely a thumb's length now, however the grip is deeply oiled and smoothed by constant use and it is clear it fits a hand perfectly.
- (Kiyohara) A sturdy set of boots. The heel is thick leather with solid studs holding it to the sides. The walls, top, and cuff are leather but tooled with designs common to the local area. They are well worn and supple as butter. Inside a layer of felt keeps the feet warm and dry. The downside is the boots are made for the current wearer and too little or too much pressure will make other lose a bit of mobility.
- (Kiyohara) A broad shawl: A once plain cloth embroidered with tiny flowers mimicking a beautiful garden by the patient hands of a grandmother. It is beautifully made but out of fashion besides the peasant class for the past three centuries as textiles came into the scene.
- (Kiyohara) Tortoise Shell Comb: A engraved comb with a few missing tines that can be shined to reflect a warm golden lights. The engraving is illegible under normal means. (Perception: If you shine the comb and get the light to hit the comb's spine just right, one side will reflect on a surface "I love you." and the other side will reflect "Will you marry me?")
- (Kiyohara) A bag of marbles: a fabric bag of marbles of various designs, shape, and quality. Some were consciously made by a glassblower while some are just roughly shaped and painted glass detritus. The biggest masher marbles seems to be the jewel of the bunch with gold and silver flake surrounding a loose and intricate spiral of precious glowing mithril.
- (Kiyohara) A wooden soldier: hand carved with skill obviously earned from many decades of wood working. It is not exquisite, or worthy of a nobles collection, but well made and sturdy. It has a small (dull) iron sword and a wooden shield marked with the local lord's colors. It comes with a small carved monster to fight, though the monster was clearly made by someone who never saw the creature it was meant to be.
- (Kiyohara) A drink horn: banded with a dull ring of tin edged at the mouth with a spartan bit of shined silver. It is designed a draw string to hand from one's neck, belt, or arm. Not fancy, but nicer than the typical peasant would have. Clearly a family treasure passed down for many years. It has probably seen every type of scrumpy, ale, cider, or drink known to pass through local tavern for the last few decades.
- A spare monk's robe: It is a very comfortable plain robe worn by the monks in the nearest monastery. It may have been stolen, bought, or given. The peasant knows they have it and wears it in private but does not wear it public to avoid confusion.
- A cowbell: It was affixed to the neck of the last cow they owned. It is beat up from many generation of previous bovine and now it just waits for the next neck it will go on as the bell's owner waits for cattle prices to go down again to 7 goats instead of 10 goats.
- (LordsOfJoop) Crow's Coat: When you lose everything of your former life, sometimes it is a fresh start. A crow's coat is a mixed of armor a peasant or deserter squirrels away for either becoming a bandit or defending against bandits. As buying armor costs money, looting battlefields or the occasional dead adventurer is commonplace. As being caught with noble armor means death, a crow's coat usually is often made from rank and file armors jury-rigged together. The term came from how most of these missed matched armors have scavenging crow feathers in them from they were acquired.
- (LordsOfJoop) Dentistry Pliers: A pair of pliers that are strong enough to take out teeth. While most peasant hate the idea of pulling teeth to make ends meet, some do not have options in life and will choose a few missing healthy tooth over a starving family while others go and liberate teeth from the mouths of the dead to sell back home when drafted for another god forsaken war. 5 cp seems like a little amount to most but to some, it means living to see another day, thriving on the wake of war, or dying an ignoble death with a fist full of teeth. The pliers help greatly by any means.
- (LordsOfJoop) Butcher's Apron: A family heirloom from how it looks and kept. Heavy oiled leather mixed with canvas construction that can hold all the knives and saws you need to butcher most livestock. Makes for good enough improvised armor, but, it is never meant for fighting.
- (LordsOfJoop) An Unopened Warden's Box: A tale of the King's Great Grandfather is that after winning a great war that help bring peace to the land for a time, He had a vision of a greater evil on the horizon. In case, no heroes would rise and defend the people, he gave a series of wheeled hand carts full of surplus weapons, armor, and supplies a militia would need to operate and gave orders to aldermen of the villages to wait until the "evil reveals itself and you must take up arms against it". Time passed and most would pilfer and sell the contents of the boxes. Some are lost to time. But, some loyal to the order still have them. The downside is that the weapons and armor are old and have most likely deteriorated or became obsolete to the point they are basically useless.
- A collection of foreign coins: It is probably a reminder of their time in different countries. They are all low value and could get you a loaf of bread in the countries they are from. A interesting memento, but, a bit worthless if no one near accepts their implied value.
- A chunk of a broken statue: It came from the giant statue that was destroyed a long time ago. While you may not be quite sure how it got in their possession, they may have a tale to tell.
- The family kettle: It is a cooking kettle that once was constantly filled with a perpetual stew for the past years. A thick layer of soot has collected on it from years of being on a fire for all those years and a series of line from where the stew last simmering at. Now, it is thinning in some spots but, still will work for a few more years if no one drops it.
- A bar of soap: It is a lop-sided cut bar of crude homemade lye soap. While some peasants hate bathing and cleaning with a passion, some progressive peasants want to keep their health and not smell like a dead fish walking. It smells acidic and feels like it burns the skin like a torch blister, but, cleans extremely well.
- Special Ointment: It is a small clay bowl that is cover with a leather cap filled with a lard that is mixed thickly with various herbs. It smells heavily earthly and has finger marks in it. The cap has crude directions: dead head with tongue in bowl (don't eat). A stick man taking a two finger worth of the rub and then rubbing his butt with those fingers.
- An off-tune lute: it is a plain lute with some visible damage to the neck and body of it that has been lovely patched over with sticks, pine sap, and cloth. You can tune it perfectly but, it will drift off key as you play it.
- A pair of leather knee pads: It is a set of knee pads that are heavily scuffed from use. May be from them using them in construction or other professions.
- A heavy wooden string top: it is a string top that you usually see the urchins and street kids play with. This one is modified with a lead center and tip covering and a stronger pull-string. The bag it is stored has painted words on it, "This Top belong to Master Baylor Blade. Private Property."
- A ceramic "horse": It is a crudely shaped horse made of dry clay. Or at least that what it best looks like.
- A poorly made rag doll: It is a doll made of various scrap pieces fabric. Love was put into every stitch, but, the hands of the maker were not experienced in sewing.
- A picture book: It is a leather-bound notebook that has seen a lot of time and hands. The picture start out as simple scribbles then evolve to crude caricatures in odd positions then, more realistic but still stilted scene drawings. After several good drawings, you see scribbles again and different art styles form them.
- A fake diamond necklace: it is a string full of practice pieces of glass shaped like a gem by a jeweler apprentice. It is an obvious fake as all are etched with fake in common, but, may fool a drunken idiot.
- A jar of farts: It is a jar full of farts. Someone has put a lot of effort into jarring the fart and it has been sealed to keep it contained. Why and how did they jar the fart? No one but the creator may know and it will probably not be worth the time to learn how to.
- A crude meat cleaver: It is a slab of metal that looks like it was made by a ogre with a severe drinking problem who only used a stones and scrap metal. The uncomfortable grip can be held with 2 hands and the thing is more of a club than a bladed weapon, but, works wonderfully at bashing through bone and flesh. It just hurts you as you hold it and use it.
- A rat-skull necklace:It is a braided hemp cord necklace with a bleached and lacquered rat skull hung on it. The words " Requiesat in pace, amicus meus Jerry" so it may have been a pet at one time.
- A government war bond: It is a slip of paper that show they gave money in time of strife to their country to fund the war effort and with the promise that they will be paid with interest in the future. It says the conditions state they gave 5 salted ham hock and a year-old fattened pig and will be paid 100000000 platinum pieces in a date 7000 years from now with no way to withdraw early. In a few millennia and if the paper and country survives, it will make them a noble family by default.
- A globe model: It is a scientifically fictional diorama of the world if it was spherical and revolved around the sun with the moon revolving it. It based on a historically and scientifically disproved theory with no basis on reality or the natural order that can be easily disproved by astral-projecting your spirit into orbit, but, thrives in those who faith in it is stronger than their wisdom or intelligence.
- An ancient cultist robe or Strange silk robe: It is an ancient robe of a would-be mythical cult which almost dethroned all the Gods, Greater Beings, and Demons in all planes of existence. It is now long forgotten by all but the most divine, celestial, ancient, and abyssal beings and all agreed to erase and hide its existence from all sentient minds. Now, it is a robe with completely undecipherable marking on it, but, it is still silk smooth and inexplicably clean.
- An odd mirror: It is a strange black mirror that has many cracks in its surface and beset by tiny clicking buttons on its sides. It has no handle and the back of it has a symbol of an apple with a notch cut from it. It looks like it had runic components at one time but they were removed long ago.
- A old set of lacy gloves: It is a pair of heavily worn lace gloves that have seen better days. They are discolored with age and use. the lace is falling apart in some places with stray strings moving.
- A collection of glowing fungi: It is a jar of glowing fungi that is commonly found in the sewer of several cities. It is not edible nor fatally poisonous. It is an interesting thing to stare at in the dark, but, does not generate a lot of usable light without serious alchemical tampering.
- A round box of buttons: It is a small confectionery box full of spare and lost buttons. The buttons vary wildly from each other and you will never manage to make a matching set with it.
- A paper swan: It is a folded paper swan that was made from a ripped page of a random book at a university or shop. It is neatly made but it is worn from someone constantly unfolding and refolding it to its current state.
- A scroll that has a "naughty" picture on it: It is a possibly stimulating picture for some, but, it is not for everyone and some would say it is just weird. It is just a bunch of crude drawings of feminine feet and nothing else. Most likely the owner made it. I would not touch it, just in case.
- A bronze ax: it is an ax that has a bronze ax head and ash wood handle. It is not as reliable as iron or steel but, it will do what an ax can do. On the bright side, its rust preserves it if you leave the ax out in the elements.
- A expired lifetime coupon: It was a paper copy of a lifetime coupon for a pint of a specific beer at any tavern that serves it. The once magical seal that would verify it is authentic has been given torn or ripped. Now, it just sits unused as the holder wishes it would go back to working order.
- A collection of finger paints: It is a collection of various hues and color of paint in small connected jars. All the colors have been used and mixed to the owner's liking, but, some are drying and a few have began to grow mold or they could just be a fuzzy green as they were mold to begin with.
- A egg: It is a chicken egg that was given to them in a trying time. They will not remember who gave it to them. Just that it was a beautiful, charming, caring, and handsome man who offered the egg to them.
- A necklace of broken keys: It is iron wire covered in a mess of mangled and snapped keys. None of the keys are useful as they are not going to open any locks without their other halves.
- A rock from the peak of the world's tallest mountain: It is a rock in a box with a small plague claiming that it came from the top of the world's tallest mountain. It does not state the mountain's name and on closer inspection, it looks like a river stone from the last river you crossed.
- A bag of "strange meat" jerky: It is a unassuming leather bag full to the brim with a oddly sweet and savoury jerky that is just perfect for snacking. The owner has taken good care of the bag as it fills silky smooth like a young maiden's hand. (Perception check: it is just a sweetened boar jerky in a sheep skin bag, but, a cannibals or humanoid eater would swear it was human flesh.)
- A nice wineskin: It is a nice and unassuming wineskin canteen. The cork is made of a foreign tree bark that lets air out and keeps wine or water in the bag. This would help with preventing the wine from spoiling from air exposure, but, most of the wine that goes into is poorly made and has tainted it.
submitted by Th3R3493r
A Glass on the Floor Just Shattered: Recap of Happily Ever After, S05E09
Every week 90DF’s producers project a giant ME into the sky to announce the presence of a new episode. They issued no warning that this miserable 80 minute affair would be stitched into my eyes. You have to give a medical warning for this kind of sickness in COVID times.
And speaking if infections, Debbie and Colt continue to put other people in the middle of their relationship, for their favorite hobby, gaslighting and manipulating Brazilian women. We are now approaching the climax, where Colt twists the narrative from “angry response to lies,” to “out of control spicy Latina” that he’s forced to placate with simpering expressions. This is also Debbie’s queue to feign victimhood.
“I did not know bringing up Vanessa would upset her,” Debbie lies. “I think Colt’s realizing that maybe he made a mistake, and we should start taking baths together.”
“Out of control,” Colt adjusts his glasses. “Meaning, not controlled by me.’
“I’m thinking she might come back and cause some real problems,” Debbie has a whole script for this. “It’s not just Vanessa. I think she’s going to have a problem with anyone in Colt’s life.” Oddly, this is not Debbie describing herself.
“This is me pretending to acknowledge her feelings. My eyebrows go up like praying hands. It’s not convincing, but sometimes sex happens.”
“You can move your stuff down here, Colt. I don’t want her to find a loose rock in the parking lot to bash your skull into smithereens.” Debbie is really destroying the credibility of their previous domestic violence claims. “Remember when she put her hand in my face?”
“She just wants a green card,’ Debbie warbles in narf. “And I don’t know why he won’t suckle anymore.”
Producer: Would you like to be on sMothered? I think we have a slam dunk here.
“Well I don’t think of him as being smothered,” Debbie takes offense. “I let him come up for air three times a day, and then he goes face down again all by himself.”
Colt goes looking for Jess, but she’s outside with Colt’s phone, collecting evidence for her binder. Turns out Colt sent her fake screenshots of fake conversations that he and Vanessa didn’t have. Jess sends a text to Vanessa, and Vanessa confirms they’re still talking, which is enough to escalate Jess’ to unfiltered rage. She storms back to the hotel room, where she takes her shoes off to throw them at Colt, and regrets that she has but two feet.
“She trew a shoe!” Jesse comes in with the defense.
Colt follows her to the elevator after she reports he’ll be fucking himself tonight, and she struggles with her bags herself, and declares she’s going to go fuck her ex boyfriend. Savage.
“Why are you so mad. You’re a violent person!” Yep, domestic violence sympathy right out the door. “It’s so weird how this keeps happening. Should I file a domestic violence claim, or should I wait until she’s in America and terrified of being deported to one of the camps at the border?”
Kalani continues to have adorable children, and hey, Asuelu is down for parenting them today. Congratulations for doing that shit you’re supposed to do. Kalani says that he apologized, and Asuelu reports that he didn’t sleep last night because he saw a polter-ghost. “I went to the bathroom, because I really want to poop,” Asuelu is a toddler. “I saw a shadow of a little girl. I feel like I’m standing in the air and I feel like I have big head. I didn’t really go to sleep after that.” There’s my autobiography in three sentences.
For her part, Kalani is blown away, as she also detected the presence of a ghost. No one offers to burn some sage or invoke some angels to take care of that spirit, so great, it’s just stuck in that house. Nice work, KALANI. She says that she heard someone talking and was too afraid to go to the bathroom. “That was me talking to my anus,” Asuelu corrects.
Koloni arrives before we delve any deeper into poop conversation #2. She’s there because Kalani needs witnesses, and help with childcare, since hanging with Asuelu’s family is going to bring the baby total to six. As they drive into Portland, they proceed to have the conversation everyone has the minute they land in PDX. “This is my dream place to live,” Kalani swoons. “All the green and the trees, and I’m not just talking about the bottomless well of weed.”
“I don’t like raining all the time,” Asuelu presents the common counter argument.
“But have you tried the trees?” Kalani has.
Turns out that ghost is the giver of gifts, because they cruise into downtown and get a parking space right away, and make it all the way to the center of the square without a single Japanese tourist asking them to take a photo of their perfectly arranged crew of friends. COVID-19 hasn’t slowed this request — everyone just puts on a mask first. Tammy, Rosa, and Mother Asuelu appear, eager to welcome their human ATM.
Mother Asuelu lives a caps lock life, and greets the children with a loud announcement that she loves them so much, and didn’t realize they would age when she wasn’t around to witness it. She says that she prays so much for them when she isn’t asking for spare change. Then she grabs Asuelu and mashes his face into hers, holding this awkward pose for WAY too long.
“I don’t see anything wrong with that,” says Debbie, crossing her arms over exactly the sort of shirt Debbie always wears.
The producers summon Kalani and Asuelu to start a fight, and Kalani can’t let the mommy and me makeout session slide. Asuelu gets sick of her insistence that the kiss was lip to lip just because she saw it that way, and flounces away. Kalani calls him a crybaby, and is left to stare at the producers, who consider asking what it says about her dating choices if he’s a baby.
Later on the family heads to Piedmont Station food carts, one of many cart pods strapping feed bags to tourists throughout the city. “This place is soooOooooOOO Portland,” Kalani declares, reading the next line in her I Like Portland Book of Expected Statements.
Asuelu is taking a different approach. “In Samoa there is no truck food. I think in Portland there is only truck food.” That’s not true. We also have Door Dash, which brings truck food to our homes. Asuelu goes from cart to cart, asking for the best of the best. At one of these stops, he expresses a desire to procure that food for free. I’ll endorse unsubtle solicitation of edible donations, which is a truer course than demanding a family fall bankrupt so they can send loot to a church in Samoa.
This entire feast is brought to a table where Mother Asuelu and her henchwomen are waiting to be served. Koloni notes that this food has barely touched down, and already the only topic is money. “Some people like, ask how you’re doing, or what you’re doing for work. This is called conversation.” Koloni is not in the right place.
Mother Asuelu says that she’d like to invite them to her home for the everyday, great low price of 999.99, and Asuelu accepts, and says that they brought gifts. Tammy demands to know how much money he brought. Asuelu reports the agreed $100 sum. Mom and the broke sisters are appalled, and insist that in their culture they take care of adults capable of working, even if that means neglecting the small beings ineligible for unemployment. Rosa, who is hearing impaired, signs in just to ask how much money they’re giving, and to claim it isn’t enough. Mother Asuelu says diapers and food are no excuse, and that Kalani’s family is “rich” and can take care of his children. Then she says he used to always send money, every time she asked, and now just because he claims two dependents on his income tax returns, she’s expected to take care of herself?
Kalani tries to reign it in before this becomes an episode of Young and Pregnant where someone is gobsmacked they need to get a job, but after Tammy launches into yet another hectoring diatribe about how every child sends money back to Samoa, Kalani can no longer resists, and asks if Tammy sends money back. Realizing Kalani pulled her card, the two exchange a long, long look, where Kalani’s eyes transmit that she knows the manipulative bullshit that’s been going on for years, and if they insist she’s going to read all night long like she’s starting a library. Tammy finally says, “None of your business,” which is code for $0. Mother Asuelu sees this conversation getting WAY off topic, and concurs with Tammy.
“WHERE IS YOUR MIND?” She shouts. When repeated attempts to shame him over the sum fails to move either party, Mother Asuelu stands up and announces she wants to go home. The sisters join her, before the conversations steers toward their own financial contributions again.
“I’m thinking Kalani is right about my family only caring about money,” Asuelu concedes. “I want to go back to poop ghost.”
Larissa is at Carmen’s house, announcing that Eric is officially uninvited to game night. She’s worried that Eric is going to call the police on her about the phone that wasn’t a gift, so she goes to return it. She knocks on the window because she doesn’t have her key, and all her self esteem is still inside. They sit down to talk, and Larissa expresses how appalled she is that he talked about their sex life, and declared it horrible. Eric insists that whatever he said then was something he said out of anger, and all should be forgiven since he’s a winner with tiger’s blood. Larissa says she’s never going to forgive him for this.
“She assured me she would not get jealous. I mean, she’s not jealous, but angry that I talked shit on how she has sex, and FUCK HER, amirite? Are you a winner? I’m a fucking winner, guy. No I’m not on FUCKING COCAINE! What’s good?” Eric begins chewing the fence.
Larissa says she doesn’t have a lot of sexual experience, and what she’s done has either resulted in pregnancy or been with Colt and Eric, so what did they expect? She insists that if she was doing something wrong he should have told her, and not some stranger he met in a bar. Then they go check out what’s on Netflix, and tell the producers they will totally fight better tomorrow, but Larissa is going to have to wear makeup again.
Tania and Syngin wake up and prepare to visit Syngin’s brother, Dylan. As they start to pull away, Syngin’s flawed memories of driving stick cause the car to lurch forward. The fear on Tania’s face is real, and after she cries out Syngin starts laughing. Tania then bursts into tears. This is a solid example of how PTSD goes down: event, reaction, emotional flood. This is the first time I’ve felt empathy for her, and I don’t know who I am anymore.
Tania recovers enough to visit with Dylan, who is wearing an impressive leg brace as part of his blood clot recovery. He describes it as the worst experience of his life (so far) and he’s glad to be alive. Then Dylan asks how the US of A is treating him, and Syngin responds, “Speaking of the worst experience of your life…”
Syngin tells Dylan that he’s upset about being away from his family, and missing so much, and since he’s moved away he’s become a much more open and emotional man. All the same, he has no social life whatsoever, unless you count completing yard work for Mother Tania a cookout. Dylan admits the family have their doubts about this relationship, and Syngin’s decision to move.
Later on Syngin is prepping for a night out with the boys, so Tania goes out with femme members of the fam to shop in a market and scrawl bitter truths in their Burn Book. Tania’s slightly disappointed that visiting family and friends involves his family and friends, but she comforts herself with the knowledge that he’ll be isolated and freezing his ass off again soon enough. Tania walks the market, while talking about the great sacrifices she’s made in being with Syngin. Mother Syngin wants to know if Tania wants to change him.
“Do you know what you’re asking me to do, Azan?” Dammit, I knew this would invoke Nicole. “Change, Azan. You’re asking me to change.”
Syngin’s sister says that it sounds like they both need to compromise, and Tania says she agrees that Syngin needs to compromise, if compromise means agree with her. Then she mentions grandkids to try and drag mom over to her team. It doesn’t work.
“I don’t think Tania really knows how much he’s sacrificed,” she says. “He’s a free spirit. This isn’t about fear of commitment. It’s about a fear of being committed.”
Since we’ve made it this far into the episode, let’s return to the ridiculous Moldovan restaurant shoving match, because why not. Does anyone care what Andrei did at this point? All the questioning and alcohol has Andrei seeing red, and he wants Chuck and Charlie to pack their bags and beat feet to America, so he can spend Father Libby’s money in peace.
Charlie is wobbling around like a Weeble, pretending this wouldn’t have ended poorly for him, because how could it, he said “what’s good?” Andrei’s team tries to tell Charlie that no one likes an interrogation unless reduced jail time is on the table, and Charlie is unmoved. “In America we do what we want and we say what we want,” whites Charlie. The male Karen shall henceforth be known as a Charlie.
He wants to know why his interrogation was ineffective, and why they’re less than eager to rat Andrei out on national television. Father Libby says Andrei is wearing a different face, kinda like the disgust he’s used to, with an added twinge of fatigue. Sis-in-law Ina tries to intervene, and reminds Andrei that the guy he’s asking to leave is his father-in-law, and Andrei says no, that’s his checkbook. Since they’re not leaving Andrei is, and he’s dragging Libby along with him, so she can pretend to take a stand outside.
“We just don’t do that in America,” father Libby lies. “We save this kind of behavior for real issues, like having to wear face masks in Costco.”
Marcel, a friend of Andrei’s, joins Andrei on the train to Fuck This, because 30 minutes with this crew is enough for him to understand Andrei leaning towards violent solutions. “Who is this man, and why does he take census?” Marcel wants to know. “They talk too much, and ask same question one hundred times.”
“In America, we count to 101,” Father Libby corrects.
Libby declares the night is ruined and it’s not okay. Outside they argue some more, and Andrei threatens to go back inside to beat Charlie for sport. Instead Andrei’s brother and Ina come out to try and calm his fire. Libby insists that Andrei started it and he’s in the wrong, and stamps her foot and swears that she’s drawing an invisible line with this invisible pen in invisible sand.
“You’re not going to stay here, you’re my wife,” Pigs Andrei. ANNNNND she gets in the car.
Father Libby and Charlie seem to share a boner over repeatedly describing Andrei as “out of control,” which warms the cold slab of mucus Colt calls a heart. Chuck is still talking about the same fucking shit, and declares that Andrei doesn’t act like this in America, because apparently he’s never seen this show.
“We won’t hold that negative over Moldova,” says the guy who owed almost $20K in child support, and regularly bails his children out of jail. The entire country breathes a sigh of relief, and everyone present suddenly understands what Andrei has been reporting.
Chuck isn’t done. “Wow, this is really great wine. Is this made from actual grapes? Wow. I didn’t know they even had grapes here. Do they also have water? Weird. Hey, did Andrei ever perform sexual favors for cash? I just get a feeling something isn’t right.”
“I wouldn’t have gotten my ass kciked, he would have gotten his ass kicked,” Charlie scoffs. “He’s the one with the he’s the one. Duh. What’s good, right?”
Michael hasn’t pissed Angela off in seconds, but he’s got a new idea: “Are you going to smoke on our wedding day?”
“QUIT TRYING TO MAKE ME BE SOMETHING I’M NOT!” Angela explodes.
“You know what you’re asking me to do, Azan?”
“Nicole get the fuck out of my storyline!” Angela is not having it. “Am I going to smoke? Does a bear shit in the woods?”
Michael isn’t sure. “What kind of bear?”
“Don’t make me go full pie on the rind.”
“Please, Angela. Speak English please.”
“If you think I’m gonna chew on this menthol your cornbread’s not cooked in the middle, and you’d know this if you stuck a fork in it and watched it come out wet!”
“My mother is afraid that if you stop smoking, your system will collapse. Then we will not know where to bury you.”
“Well I got to quit if I’m gonna tote a baby. I gotta quit smoking and get the weight off, so can we both agree this is never going to happen?”
Angela works hard to summon the baked good gods with a little cake chant. Michael’s Aunt Lydia and half-sister Bukky are meeting them at the bakery, and they’re happy Angela and Michael are getting married in Nigeria. Angela insists that all references to Nigerian culture must be banished during this Nigerian wedding, and Michael isn’t sure how his family will feel. Still, they need this wedding to be a lavish affair, for the sake of crafting a believable spousal visa application. After some unsubtle nudging, Aunt Lydia insists the family will take care of the two of them, and will contribute to the wedding funds. This makes Angela happy, and she’s ready to sample some cake.
Question: Is it possible to go to a cake tasting if you’re not getting married? What if at the end of it, I order a cake, just for myself?
The topic of Angela’s uterus is brought up again, because Lydia wants to believe her prayers are so powerful that they stop time. Confronted with this, Angela goes full Yoda, and says, “It really health risks me.” She goes on to remind them that she’s not doing side chicks or surrogacy or second wives or any of that, and much like incorporating any element of Nigerian culture in their wedding, Angela is not going to change her mind. “You need to think about his feelings, because I’m not.”
Michael is embarrassed, and realizes that Angela doesn’t understand how important having a child is to him. He says that he’s scared to lose Angela, but also afraid about not having a child of his own. Lydia reports that Michael’s mother, Iya Bieu, is not going to be happy with this. Angela declares that his mother will get over it, unlike her, who never gets over anything.
“It’s time to make sacrifices for me,” Angela says about the man isolated from his friends, who will be leaving his family and country, and placing his desire for children on hold.
Speaking of sacrifices, Paul is crawling inside a trashbag in a bid to suffocate himself so that lost nail clippers reappear. During the hunt he broke their salad tongs, and yes, he brought $2 tongs all the way from Brazil. Karine assures him they have six more pairs, and wonders when Paul is going to leave her alone for five minutes and get a job. Paul says that he’s there all the time, networking, which is not the question she asked, but he already used the ‘convicted felon’ excuse on his mom. Finally, Karine says she’ll give him two months, then she’s getting a restrainer order like every other woman he’s ever been with, and will be heading back to Brazil.
“A glass on the floor just shattered,” Paul salads. “I’m going to do my very best.” Karine doesn’t react, knowing Paul’s best is everyone else’s salad tongs.
NEXT WEEK! Syngin dares to have unsupervised fun in SA, Libby insists that what happens every episode with Andrei is just a fluke, Mother Asuelu’s broken record continues to play, Jess returns to scream at Colt some more, Paul runs and I hope Karine runs faster, and Angela announces that the wedding is off for the 5,324 time.
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