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It took until my wedding day to do it, but I've finally cut contact

Post-edit: I tried to respond to everyone, but it's getting time that I put away my phone for the evening to wind myself down. I just wanted to say thank you all so much for your kindness and support. Internet strangers you may be, you have warmed my heart and left me feeling so validated and even resolute.
Thank you all so much again. Stay warm and safe!
I made a throwaway just to be able to post to this sub. Obligatory on mobile and don't steal my story without also taking my shitty JNMom.
This...may be a long post.
My mom has been a Just No for my entire life. I have spent my entire life living in fear of her constant surveillance, projection, control, guilt and harassment. A little background with some examples:
  • I am the middle of three. The other two are GC and I was very much the scapegoat. As long as I can remember, I have come dead last to anything going on in their lives or anything they wanted. If my brother wanted a snack, I was expected to cook it for him. If my sister felt that our shared bathroom was too dirty, I was expected to clean it for her. The two of them also spent a lot of my childhood beating the shit out of me, stealing my things, and blaming me for the things they stole from my parents. All of this was fine with my mom because my brother was the holy Oldest and my sister was the sacred Baby. And if my mom didn't want to get them something? Well she just blamed it on me.
  • My mom had a VERY contentious relationship with my dad's family. Apparently she and her MIL never got along and she was often excluded; she ended up taking out her anger on the entire family and would regularly talk down to them and mistreat them on the grounds that she was "better" and they were beneath her. During her extended conflicts with his family, which she regularly started (they were all honestly pretty happy to not have her or us around, but she was insistent on being included in their events) we were used as pawns by her to hurt my father (who enables her) and his family. At no point did the extended family ever make an attempt to alienate us from her (they were always nice enough to us kids and even nice enough to her when she was always unkind to them), but she spent plenty of time and effort to make sure we hated them. She put us in the middle as often as she could, going so far as to pack us up into her car, her screaming about divorcing my dad, driving us to wherever and making it very clear that we couldn't see our father anymore and it was all his mom's (my granny's) fault. The extended family had no interest in trying to have a relationship with us kids because it simply wasn't worth the abuse from my mom. Eventually they all cut contact with us kids because of her attacking them on social media.
  • My mom was only ever emotionally supportive of me if I was actively taking her side in her fights with my dad's family and allowing her to use me as a pawn. Once, she even took me to Disney World JUST so we could go to lunch with my nana (my dad's father's second wife, they married after my dad was an adult so I don't consider her his step-mom) and she could have me tell my nana how much I hated my grandfather and how cruel they were to me (they actually weren't, they were wonderfully supportive of me but I was a teenager desperate for my mother's love). She then took me out shopping as a reward. She spent the entire time bitching about my dad's family, telling me how awful they were, how I was so much better than them, and how they had no right to be proud of me and they were only saying that to piss her off.
  • She prided herself on being "a white Tiger Mom". Anything less than an A was failing, which resulted in constant screaming and yelling. I ended up with severe stomach ulcers at age 17. I couldn't get anything down because I was in so much pain. She was delighted for a chance to make herself out to be an angel mom, "Look how hard she works, the college system is so broken, she has to work this hard to even have a chance". This whole time she was constantly berating me for not eating, for faking, and for not working hard enough. I had regular breakdowns while in school.
  • She monitored my grades daily. Every day, I would get home to her reviewing my grades on her computer. On the first day of pre-calc, I didn't do so hot on a "what do you remember from algebra" quiz. It resulted in her screaming at me about how I've ruined my life and am a failure. (I should add that it's some weird point of pride for her that she failed college algebra three times and had to have my dad take it for her to pass. I also finished pre-calc with an A and went on to As in AP Calc 1 and 2. But that poor quiz made me a failure).
  • Nearly any time she was mad at me, she would grab me by my hair and drag me around the house, screaming in my face. This did not stop until I had a meltdown around 15. Trying to get away from her, I ran to my room and slammed the door. My dad decided to get in on the hair-grabbing action. I eventually got away and locked myself in the bathroom. I was in tears and screaming. They were screaming at me and the only thing I would say was that if they touched me again I'd call the police. I repeated it over and over again. They eventually stopped grabbing me by my hair.
  • I was not allowed to wear my hair the way I wanted. My mom only allowed me to have long hair. Basically a Rachel with blunt bangs. She says it's because her mom always controlled her hair and she hated it. I think it's because it made the above story easier. I wear my hair short now.
  • The first time I cut my hair short (in college), she went to a hair appointment with me (because she insisted) and bitched so hard the entire time that the hairdresses (who was her personal friend) snapped at her. She was going on and on that I was only doing this because I knew she didn't like it and wanted to piss her off. He finally had enough, turned around, wagged his finger at her, and said "It is not all about you". That was the first time anyone ever showed me it was possible to stand up to her. I was 20.
  • When I was 16 I got a job and needed a bank account. Of course I needed her to help me open it. This led to a long, long, LONG history of constant surveillance. I would get home to her checking my bank account (after she checked my grades) and demanding an explanation for every purchase. When I went to college, I bought some dorm decorations at Target. I was still in the car on the way back to my dorm and she called me to SCREAM at me for spending my money. My friends all heard her without her being on speaker, they were absolutely mortified and I wanted to die of shame.
  • When I was in my final year of college, she told me I was a failure with no prospects because I had an interview with a startup. I had called my dad for interview pointers, which she turned into an enormous fight about me being a failure who was trying to drive a wedge between her and my father (it all preciptated from me not being sure how the startup was funded. I genuinely don't even remember the mental gymnastics involved).
  • When I got my first job out of college (signed the paperwork before actually graduating), I didn't have enough money to move out yet so I lived at home. She charged me 10% less than rent on a 1br apartment (I found her spreadsheet comparing the apartments in the area), then continued to regularly monitor my spending, yelling at me for any and every purchase. She would also regularly tell me how I should be buying them gifts and taking them on trips. I should also be helping fund her basement remodel and buy furniture for it.
  • While living at home and paying nearly 1k in monthly rent, I was also expected to cook and clean for my parents and sister and was afforded zero privacy. I was yelled at regularly for not bringing any of my work friends over to meet her. She also told me that I was wrong to think that rent was way too high and that anyone I told would be jealous of my "sweet setup".
  • I moved out. She insisted that I was to call her nightly and spend weekends with her. I eventually managed to stop initiating contact with her. During that time, I only spoke to her if she reached out first.
  • She reached out regularly with guilt trips galore that I wasn't a dutiful enough daughter and she had no idea if I was even alive. She also made it clear that I was expected to be over any time she had guests because they needed entertainment (she doesn't go out, and she doesn't drink. She just expects people to sit on her couch and watch tv with her). She also expected me to come over and take care of her dog any time she wanted, including staying to watch the dog while she took my sister on trips or went to visit my sister at school (she never ONCE went to one of my college events, she even bitched about having to go to my graduation).
  • When I got a dog, she said "You know that this is a major inconvenience for me, right?"
  • When I was planning to move to a new city 800 miles north, she was pissed that my then-fiancé was going to move with me (I hadn't told her we'd gotten engaged because she takes zero interest in my life, so I just take her calls and grey-rock her while she tells me the same three stories about her diet, her dog's diet, and her diet). She told me how she had struggled to make sure I had better than her (sure) and implied that he was a deadbeat. I called her out (subtly) by explaining that not only are we engaged (because she said "He can go with you if he wants to marry you, but you shouldn't be having to support him") but that he was making an enormous sacrifice by giving up his job for me to make a good career move and that I would stand by my partner because he was standing by me. She shut the fuck up.
  • The weekend before I moved, she sent me a text "Are you planning to come see us before you move? We're very busy and can't schedule our lives around you". I was weak and made plans to see them.
  • The weekend after I moved, she sent me a photo of my dad walking with my god-sister's daughter with the caption "you took his little girl and his grand-dog away". I didn't respond.
  • The last time she bothered to call me, I mentioned that fiancé and I would be getting married in the next few months once we got a marriage license sorted out (things were pretty shut down because Covid). She just said "Oh!" followed by telling me about an article she was reading about people having "Zoom Weddings". I told her we wouldn't be doing that so she just changed the subject to her dog's diet.
  • So many other examples of her treating me like a doormat and me subjecting my then-fiancé to her bullshit because I was too weak to just not respond.
ON TO WHAT HAPPENED!
I have a credit card that my mom can't access. I had some wedding-related expenses that got put on that card, which I paid off when I got paid, as I do every month. The same day, I get a text from my dad saying "Make sure you don't buy so much that you need a bigger apartment for your stuff". Of course. My mom can see my bank account. She can see that I made a credit card payment (I actually got the credit card because I didn't want her seeing where I was buying things but was too afraid to open my own checking in just my name).
I ignored the text and immediately called the bank to check the process for removing her from my account. They said that I would have to go into an office with her or have her fill out forms and mail them in. I explained that we're estranged and she uses her access to harass me, is there anything I can do. They said I can open a new account in just my name, transfer my funds, and close the account without having to have her okay. Awesome. I open a new account and transfer the bulk of my funds. I leave just enough to cover any direct debits while they transition.
Two days later (and four days before my wedding), she calls me. I pick up the phone and the first thing she says is "Did you get a new bank account?" I said yes. She starts asking for details and I try to remember all the advice I've seen in this sub to limit details. I tried to keep it minimal, said I opened an account and will be closing that one once my direct debits and deposits transition. She then says "Don't you think you should have told me before you transferred your money?" I told her, very calmly, "No, it's my money, I can do what I want with it." She then responds "You can have your own bank account, but you have to understand that I keep an eye on your balance and you should have told me first". I said "Frankly, I don't appreciate that you monitor my bank account and call and text me about it." She called me a selfish bitch, then started saying how I was missing out on "all the advantages" of having her on my bank account (she refers to it as being "under" her). I asked her "What advantages?" She ignored me and kept saying that there were advantages. While I was explaining that it's also a massive security risk for her to be able to access my account from her own login, she kept talking over me about "all the advantages". I asked her again, "what advantages?!" And she hung up after calling me a bitch. My fiancé comes in with the dog as the call ends and he sees I'm worked up. We talk about it and I resolve to cut off my family as soon as I can get that account closed (she had joked numerous times in the past about freezing my account to cut me off from my money).
Forward to a few days ago, the day of my wedding. I wake up to a text from my mom. The text says "I do not know how that account is set up regarding ownership. If you are not authorized to close it without me please let me know when you are going to stop using it as I will incur fees once you stop direct deposits. That was a free account because you were a student and has remained free because you had direct deposits." Immediately my anxiety flared up and I was pissed off. The morning of my wedding. After discussion with my fiancé (me venting and him being supportive) I decided that I would close the account now and cut them out. So I started with deleting my Facebook and blocking her, my dad, and my sister on all forms of social media and communication.
I was terrified to do this. My hands were literally shaking, but once I was done it felt like a weight off. We ended up having a beautiful elopement ceremony, lovely pictures with a photographer, and all around a great start to our new lives.
It was time. I wish I'd had the strength to do it sooner, but better late than never.
submitted by Jaded-Salamander3947 to JUSTNOMIL

The Secular Michael Jordan

(I put this in NBA and someone said to put it here, I had no idea there were two NBA reddits, that seems cool. Also, please note I am a massive, massive LeBron homer and that this is more of an essay to prove a point than any attempt at a definitive analysis. The point is that there's a pretty good case for MJ being really good at basketball beyond "6-0" and "Yeah, LeBron was good, but MJ would kill your cat" and other weird shit like that.)
Let's do a thought experiment. I wake up in a room with a computer and am told to determine who the best basketball player of all time is. I have a fairly good concept of basketball -- the rules, what makes teams effective, et al -- but I have never seen anyone play basketball and do not know any basketball players by name. All my memories of this nature have been erased. This will, I think, be a significant handicap. The only website I have access to is basketball-reference.com -- I'm not allowed to cheat by using highlights or shot charts.
The Regular Season
Alright, I'm a pretty big baseball fan and stat geek. I might have a shot at this. Alright, the first place I should check is probably the "one-number" stats -- basketball's versions of WAR or VORP. They're never perfect, but it should be a good starting spot. Plus, they're average instead of cumulative, which I tend to prefer -- Jamie Moyer has more career strikeouts than Sandy Koufax, after all. Longevity is super important, to be clear, but starting with cumulative stats is the wrong way to go.
And let's start with the regular season, because one hot playoff run can skew the sample and playoff success, or even appearances, are often due to circumstances beyond one's control -- just look at Mike Trout.
Let's see here:
PER: Okay, #1 in all-time regular season PER is...Michael Jordan. I'll keep an eye on that name.
Win Shares per 48: Like I said, I slightly prefer average to cumulative, so I'll look at this instead of overall Win Shares next. #1 in that category is...Michael Jordan. Stat geeks must love this guy.
Box Plus-Minus: Limited, but interesting, let's see if it matches up with what I've seen so far. #1 in that is...Michael Jordan. I think I have a clubhouse leader here.
Value over Replacement Player: Ah, good old VORP. This is cumulative, but I wanna make sure I check every advanced stat before I'm done. Michael's number 2 here behind LeBron James, whom I saw right in the top 5 in those other categories too. He's probably good. Looks like he played a little more than 200 games than Michael, though, and he's still active. Wow.
Alright, looks from those numbers like MJ is pretty definitely the best regular season player who's ever lived. But I can't just blindly draw conclusions off some algorithms -- time to do my best to try and break down why all these formulas love him so darn much.
Scoring:
As I mentioned, I do have a pretty good idea of how basketball works, and scoring is pretty definitely the most important thing a player can do -- a lucky bounce can get you a rebound, and you need your teammate to come through to get an assist, but the team that scores the most wins, and to score you've gotta put the ball in the hoop yourself.
So let's check who the best scorer is, on average...Okay, it's Michael Jordan. Oh-so-barely beats out this Wilt Chamberlain fella. Maybe not a great idea for him to play those last two seasons after taking 3 years off for whatever reason.
Context is important, though -- after all, you can't compare deadball-era baseball stats to stats from today. So let's see if there were any mitigating factors -- okay, Michael appears to have led the league in scoring in all 10 of the full seasons he played before that 3-year break.
Still, pace is important to consider -- I know enough to know that if you just run down and fire it up as fast as you can, you'll get more points, even though it might not be the best strategy.
So let's compare the league Michael played in compared to the league Wilt played in, as well as their teams, just to eliminate as many variables as we can.
MJ's teams averaged (roughly) 103.8 points per game over his career. Doug Collins and Phil Jackson weren't in a hurry, and his teams constantly played at the slowest paces in the league -- a "pace" average of 93.6 for his career.
Wilt's teams averaged (roughly) 116.5 points per game over his career, and is team usually played at one of the fastest paces in a fast-pace league -- a "pace" average of 120.9. That MJ managed to outscore Wilt while playing that many fewer possessions is BONKERS.
**Tangent -- MJ had the 3-point line and Wilt didn't, but MJ only added 581 points using the 3-point line (with a lot of those coming when they moved the line in) and I doubt Wilt would have been putting up 3s anyways (although he may have -- there are tall tales about Wilt casually draining jumpers from half court, and Wilt truly and honestly did not give a shit -- he once led the league in assists just to prove he could, passing up shots and yelling at his teammates if they didn't shoot the ball after he passed it to them.) Anyways, the extra possessions for Wilt should absolutely balance this out. Okay, back to the gimmick.**
Alright, anyone can score a lot of points, that mostly comes down to how many times you're allowed to shoot. So how efficient was MJ? Very good but not incredible -- 56.9% career TS% compared to a league average of 53.4%. I mean, Devin Booker scored 30 on 60.1% TS% this season, and the league average TS% was 56.7%.
So why do all of these numbers, which LOVE efficiency, love MJ? Well, there's one list I wasn't able to find MJ at the top of -- turnovers.
All-time turnover leaders
  1. Karl Malone
  2. LeBron James
  3. John Stockton
  4. Kobe Bryant
  5. Jason Kidd
Okay, looks like racking up turnovers is the price of business for being one of the best offensive players of all time...but where's MJ? All the way down at #30. In fact, when you look at turnover rate, he's the 33rd-best all-time, which is absurd -- almost everyone above him on that list is a catch-and-shoot guy.
So it looks like MJ was able to get tons of shots up during a time when the league wasn't getting many shots up, making them at a significantly higher clip than his peers, and never ever turning the ball over. I wonder how he did it.
Awards:
Okay, stats can be misleading. Let's see if other people thought this stat geek darling was good. Okay, he seems to have won 5 MVPs -- only Bill Russell has also won 5, and Kareem is the only guy with 6. That seems good.
14 All-Star games? That's good, but those can be popularity contests. 10 All-NBA first teams, and a second team. And 9 all-defensive first teams? I better take a look at that -- like I said, I'm drawing on my powers of baseball nerdery to try and make it out of this jam, and we all know about Derek Jeter's gold gloves. Alright, he won the Defensive player of the Year award, let's take a look at that.
In 1987-88, MJ's bulls were 3rd in defensive efficiency, Pippen was only a rookie, and Michael averaged 3.2 steals and 1.6 blocks per game? Holy SHIT. HE HAD MORE STEALS THAN TURNOVERS THAT YEAR. He won the MVP and DPOY in his mid-20s, then got eliminated 4-1 in the second round of the playoffs. I'm sure if that happened today, the basketball internet would appreciate how special of a season he'd had.
In any case, he's 3rd all-time in steals, both total and per game, and consistently played on great defensive teams, so I'm going to assume he wasn't gambling for them too much.
Playoffs:
Alright, I hope this guy wasn't basketball's Mike Trout, or I'm in trouble.
Playoff PER: Okay, he's #1 in that. Can't imagine people hating on someone with a top-3 playoff PER.
Playoff WS/48: #1 again.
Box Plus-Minus: Believe it or not, he's #1.
Playoff Offensive Rating: Jordan is #18, Tristan Thompson is #1. Just sit on the curb and breathe, Offensive Rating, I'm trying to get you an Uber.
Playoff VORP: Again, #2 to this LeBron fella, who seems to be the all-time leader in playoff games played and playoff minutes.
Playoff PPG: Well, at this point I was just silly to expect anything different.
Team Success:
My captor is letting me know that unless you win a championship, anything you did that year tends to be seen as insignificant. 6 Championships seems like a lot, especially since the league had less than 14 teams or less when Bill Russell won his 11 rings. And it seems he was Finals MVP on each one of those teams, and nobody else has 5 Finals MVPs. And he did this in the span of 8 seasons, and he sat out the majority of one of those 8 seasons.
If you take away Michael's rookie season, his foot injury season, the season he only played 17 regular season games after coming back from baseball, and the Wizards seasons (you decide how fair that is), MJ won the championship 6 out of 10 times. That's adequate. Although he is only #2 in Finals PPG -- maybe he just didn't do well in big moments.
So if you've made it this far, congratulations. And I want to go through why I did this -- I made what I think is a pretty decent argument for MJ as the GOAT without mentioning any of the following words:
-- Clutch
-- Instinct
-- Killer
-- Drive
-- Heart
-- Intensity
-- Competitor
-- Leadership
-- Buzzer-beater
-- Footwork
-- Fadeaway
-- Fundamentals
-- Personally
-- Paxson
-- Final shot
-- Kerr
-- Punch
-- Face
I could go on. The point is I think there are certain athletes we simultaneously overrate and underrate -- MJ wasn't just the possible GOAT because he had mystic powers, he was also really really really goddamn good at basketball.
Not just in the fourth quarter, not just in the Finals, not just on the last possession, but every damn possession of every game.
A big reason he was the best player at the end of games is because he was the best player before the tip-off. And every now and again, that should be enough. We're so eager to attribute MJ's success to these grand narrative factors that we miss just how good he really was on the court, to appreciate the work put in, to really analyze the intricacies and brush strokes of a true basketball genius.
I should probably mention here that I'm possibly the biggest LeBron homer of all time, and I feel like both guys get disrespected when the GOAT debate comes up and the conversation inevitably goes to "killer instinct" or quarter-tossing or whatever -- what if MJ was better than LeBron at basketball because he was...better than LeBron at basketball? I'm a masochist so I watch those Undisputed clips from time to time where Shannon says "LeBron is the GOAT" and Skip says "Actually, LeBron is weak-willed and trash" and they argue about it for 40 minutes and BOTH OF THEM ARE WRONG. It's like a Beckett play with more shouting. Look up at everything in this post and see what MJ did. Do you really need "I took that personally" to have it be enough?
submitted by John_Krolik to nbadiscussion