Katana-Beard Part 5: The Crossing of Blades
To all those about to read, if you have not read the previous parts of this Epic(?) saga, please go do so before continuing on. It will help you understand what is going on.
TLDR; Too bad! I had to endure this, you do too!
For the rest of you awesome Redditors that have been gripping your seats and begging for details on the skill set of Sir Katana-Beard of Cringtopia… The wait is over.
Sadly, no one recorded this… rather awkward bout of awkwardness. The person holding my phone to record the fight was following what was happening…except the camera was on picture mode. And when they pressed “record”, they took a picture… of the ground. Fortunately, there is hope. As you will soon find out in this next episode of..
Me: A witcher who is so fucking done with this shit. (Toss a Coin)
Katana-Beard (KB): Master Swordsman and Panty Dampener
FFF: Female Fighter Friend (KB’s hopeful M’Lady)
C: Veteran fighter and one of the Champions (Currently injured)
Other Friends/Fighters: I’ll be refereeing to them offhandedly to keep the story shorter.
The day proceeded like any other practice. People slowly arrived, dawning their armors, and talking amongst themselves. Then he appeared. His gallant carriage approached in all of its second-hand auction glory; a mighty paint chipped Honda Accord. The carriage showed signs of battle damage. A true warrior. He stepped from his carriage; doves erupting from the background. Could have been pigeons. Who cares?
In the grey sky covered sunlight stood a man of unmistakable class and skill. He stood…there... hands limp to his sides. His attire consisted of the finest grey sweatpants and … is that a fucking karate Gi? Bruh…
Description: Average height, average weight, shaven head…honestly, picture Private Pyle from Full Metal Jacket. Minus any off the PTSD fueled intimidation.
He approached me, as I was the closest person; still unpacking my gear from my vehicle and setting it on my tailgate. His awkward half smirk and raised eyebrow spoke numbers.
KB: My good, Sir, is this perchance the place where I am to meet for battle? (Holy fuck he spoke like this in real life…and he didn’t recognize me from my FB pic)
Me: (Trying not to cringe) This is fighter practice, yes.
KB: Grand. And where is it I am to get prepared. Have the men prepared my armor?
Me: Follow me…
I lead our gallant hero to the group and explain through masterfully chosen words that this is absolutely not my friend and get him prepped for a very unpleasant wake up call. My fellow fighters understand and get him prepared in the finest secondhand picks of protection gear you can muster up. (I.E.: hockey pads and very basic metal armor.)
As everyone was gearing up, KB let his opinion be known. He declared it was odd how we wore so much armor since we were master swordsman. The person gearing him up told him that it’s a sport and we aren’t trying to kill each other. After getting properly fitted in his safety gear, he was then instructed to choose a weapon.
Can you guess what he picked?
That’s right. A katana. Or rather, a great sword shaped like one minus the curve. This sword is about 5’5 long and super top heavy. The handle also isn’t wrapped. Just smooth. The pommel is also pretty flush so, there is little chance of catching it if the sword leaves your hand. More of a Katan-Eh.
We attempted to show him how to properly use the sword but as you could probably guess, he refused. Stating, KB: My good gentlemen, I appreciate the courtesy, but I am well experted in the handling of such weapons. A katana is like a third arm. An extension of my body. (Yes. That is literally what he said. “Experted”)
Me: Well, that’s not a katana. It’s a mutt of great sword and katana.
KB: Have you trained with the katana? Have you devoted as much time as I have to study it?
Me: First off, put the attitude away. Second, I train everything. So, how about you get yourself ready. You’re fighting FFF first. (Shouting to FFF) Hey, get your hat on. You fight the new guy.”
FFF: Ok, almost ready.
As soon as she spoke aloud, KB finally realized that there was a female here. And she’s a very noticeable girl. Tan skin, dark hair, curvaceous… sword…. Yep. Mhm. No way you wouldn’t pick her out from a group of guys.
His brow erected and he licked his teeth while smiling what he thought was charmingly. He gripped the sword like it was in a sheath to his side and marched up to FFF.
KB: He bowed and took her hand. “My dear, I had no idea this guild had such beautiful ladies.”
FFF: Awww! Thank you.
KB: Why would a lady wish to partake in such a unladylike sport?
FFF: Uh..cause it’s fucking awesome. I get to hang with my friend and beat them up too!
Me: ‘Try’ to beat them up.
FFF: Fuck you, Devilwitcher128. I’m gonna fuck you with a mace. No spit.
That, ladies and gentlemen, made this kind gentle sir freeze in his boots from hearing this cute young lady threat to violate me with a spiked ball.
KB: A beautiful young lay shouldn’t speak like that! It’s unbecoming of you!
FFF: Feminism, man. Fair rights, Fair fights. These hands are bipolar. (We all communicate through memes)
After another few minutes of KB trying to get my friend to stop being her inherently vicious self, we finally got to the actual fighting. But, like before, he refused to fight a lady. Even when she called him a pussy, refused.
KB: I want to fight the best you have here. Where are your Champions?
C: Well, I’m technically, I’m one of them. But due to an injury, I can’t move my arm. I’m just here for support and vocal lessons. (Points at me) Devilwitcher128 is the Champion of his branch.
KB straightened himself and got, as I guess you could put it, all proper. He pointed at my chest and with somewhat of a change in pitch declared, “Then you shall face me on the battlefield. Prepare thine self.”
Me: Alright. Hats on then.
KB was led to where his borrowed helmet was and had one of the guys get him all strapped in and armed with his mighty weapon. I put my helmet on and equipped myself with my default weapons.
Before the fight, I unlocked my phone and gave it to one of our friends who wasn’t fighting and asked him to record. You all know how that went… Again, I apologize.
Here’s the match:
Me: 5’9 140lbs out of armor. I’m wearing a mix steel, titanium plate, and chain armor that covers me from head to ankle and steel toed boots. Brining me to about 220lbs. I am wielding a heater shield in my left hand and my regular basket-hilt sword (3ft) in my right, as well as a dagger in my belt.
KB: 5’10 160(?). He was wearing a thick gambeson, my kydex body armor, plastic shin guards, an aluminum gorget, steel knees and elbow cops, hardened HEMA gloves, a cup (borrowed), and a helmet with bar grill over the face (No ninja headband. Said he forgot it). He is wielding the 5’5 long top-heavy Katan-Eh. All his gear only added maybe 40lbs.
On to the Battle.
We stood about 20ft to start. Someone stood between us and gave us good ol’ ref speech. Are you ready? Are you ready? Go!
KB quickly changed his stance; blade above his head. He approached with vigor, stamping his feet like a charging bull and letting loose his strike. I raised my shield slightly and the attack slid off and the sword slammed into the ground with great force; sending chips of bark flying into the sky.
He regained his weapon by spinning in place; throwing the sword upwards to both block and counter my attack. Except, I didn’t attack. I never flinched and my feet didn’t move. He backed away and lowed his sword; pointing it straight at me. I stepped forward for a strong girthy thrust. His attempt at penetrating me was as pathetic as his attempt at wooing his M’Lady. And ended similarly; with a violent retort.
The sword tip caught the boss of my shield and stopped the attack ad with one motion and moved his weapon like opening a door and then swung my hips like a fiery dancer and swung a clean strike to the side of KB’s helmet. The metal helm rung like a bell; and it tolled for thee.
KB, dizzy and shaking his head from the strike leapt back in a graceful hop. His eyes glow with the piercing anger of a hunger predator. And no Chris Hanson in sight to save me. Like a helicopter he whirled his blade with a masterful finesse. Strikes coming down like a hail of … hail... so, you know. Not very hard, just annoying and slightly inconvenient.
I couldn’t run, the Beard would chase me to the ends of the earth. So, I took a risk. I stepped forward, swung my sword out and collided with his blade, disrupting his rhythm and stopping the attacks momentarily. (Surprised Pikachu Face) “H-How could this b-be.” KB probably inner monologue to himself with bad lip synching. “He… he stopped my attacks. What is he?”
My next step forward, I showed KB that defense can sometimes be a great attack. Like freight train full of…uh heavy things… I threw my shield edge forward, catching KB in the chest and sending him to the ground. His force caused the earth the rumble and cities to fall. As I raised my blade to finish off the Master Bladesman, he did what I not thought possible. He rolled away. A technique lost to the ages. And he pulled it off perfectly.
Gracefully regaining his stance, he positioned his sword over his shoulder. Preparing for…oh no... THE FOOL! Like a bat of bases, the master swordsman let loose a strike of immense strength and power. But… unfortunately for this dinglberry, he wasn’t gripping the handle very tightly. Remember what I said earlier about the swords handle?
Krunk: “Oh yeah. It’s all coming together.”
Like a torpedo leaving the bay of a ship, the sword shot through the air and ended up tumbling a good 15ft away. Almost managing to hit a few people who were watching. KB froze in place, eyes locked on his weapon that he had just fucking yeeted like an unwanted child. He looked back and forth to me and the sword, finally staying on me, his arms still where they were when the sword said “fuck this shit I’m out”
Me: You can get that if you want.
KB: Is that a trick so as that I may turn my back to you, good sir?
I rolled my eyes and sighed way to dramatically. I shrugged and walked backwards about 10ft and motioned him to get it. I may have wanted to waste this dude, but I’m not going to attack an unarmed combatant in a practice bout. Like the true ninja this man is he ran and slid to grab the sword. Unfortunately, he slid to far, and missed the damn thing. He hopped back up and grabbed the blade, awkwardly trotting back into the area we were sparring.
Me: Would you like to restart the fight?
KB: Yes. Let us act like gentleman.
Me: Oh, sweetheart. I ain’t gentle.
KB: Neither am I. (Now dropping into fucking horse stance with his sword raised straight up. Zoidberg looking motherfucker.) Now prepare, peasant!
Now, this may come as a surprise after reading my very impressive restraint when messaging back and forth with Katana-Beard… but I have a very short fuse and am a tad temperamental. So, being called a peasant by this soggy dew-beater got me a slight bit irked and miffed.
Pretty much the entire group heard him shout that, so they all came to watch while the ones who were already there gave a low “Oooooo…!” And I heard FFF mumble “He’s gonna die.”
Before the fight restarted, I ditched my heater and picked up a buckler (for those who don’t know, it’s a shield about the size of a dinner plate). I changed my stance to where my sword and buckler were both forward and my feet were wide apart. My goal was to catch his sword and get a hold of it. From his crab shuffle he jumped (or at least attempted to) and chopped down at me. The sword, being fair hefty in the hands of someone not trained for it, came down slow enough for me to step and get my arm around it with minimal impact. I locked the sword under my arm and gripped tight.
Now, KB did something I honestly wasn’t expecting. In one very fluid motion, put his foot on my stomach and kicked forward. It luckily didn’t knock me down, but I managed to stumble back and lose his sword. From there he managed to regain control and swung a fairly hard hit to my shoulder. I called it a hit and I saw him grin like he just won a war. But remember, it’s first to three hits. I lunged forward and executed one of my favorite combos, First, I swing a fake for his head but keep my arm close, so it looks like the shot’s coming, but I don’t actually reach out. Once my sword got to my left side, I whipped my hips back and dropped my arm, landing a (albeit; too hard for a new person) precise strike right to the side of his knee. That, my dear readers, is where the battle was won. With a screeching bellow and a gasping groan, KB dropped his sword, and fell over, clutching at his knee.
The crowd let out an in-unison gasp of empathetic pain. I and C walked over and knelt next to him.
Me: (Fake sympathy) You good, man? Didn’t mean to put so much power into that last swing.
KB: (Panting heavily; I believe trying not to cry) All good, my fine sirs. Just a trip up. I’ll be fine momentarily.
C: Alright. Need some help getting up?
KB: Nope. I can manage. Tis but a flesh wound.
KB rolled up from the ground and began hobbling to the bench nearby. He removed his helmet and dropped it to the grass and sucked in a hug gasp of air. And from there, never fought for the rest of the time. Claimed he wanted to watch and study if he should grace us with his teachings. During the group break and discussion, he once again tried his attempt at attracting his M’Lady.
KB: So, why would a lady like yourself choose to participate in combat? (Note: every time FFF sparred someone, he would just mean mug the person and just shake his head)
FFF: Because it’s awesome and I get to meet a shit ton of cool people! Why else?
KB: Aren’t you afraid of getting hurt?
FFF: Pfff. No! Plus, I’m armored up and Devilwitcher128 makes sure I’m safe. He’s the guy who trains me and helps me most. Then I get to punch him in the face. It’s so cool.
Me: Yeah. She’s taken a liking to my punch-shield. Likes to get in people’s faces.
KB: I wouldn’t mind her getting in my face. (awkward grin and wink ensue)
FFF: Like fight each other? Right now?
KB: No no no. Something more, sensual, my dear. (Note: Everyone is giving him a creeped out look)
She just giggled and then jumped up to go get something from her car. After everyone was done, we unarmored and packed up. As I’m loading my truck, he staggers up to me.
KB: I would just like you to know that I will be returning. There may be hope for you lot yet. I’m sure I could teach you all a thing or two.
Me: I’d try teaching yourself distance and blocking. How’s your leg. (Hurts, I hope)
KB: Nothing a martial artist like me isn’t used to. But don’t worry, next time will be different. And I must craft my own weapons. I wasn’t used to how untechnical yours were made. Very unorthodox.
Me: Right. Well, see you next time.
KB tries his hardest not to limp and walk normally to his car. He got in and drove off. Sadly, not for good. Because as you see, he will return.
TLDR: Neckbeard tries sword fighting trained fighters. Gets his dick pushed in, and still brags that he’s better.
I know this isn’t what everyone was hoping for. I wanted to provide video and I failed on that remark. Hopefully my story telling will suffice for the time being. Let me know if you all would like me to continue to record my interactions with Katana-Beard. I’m sure you all do. Cause you all like watching me suffer.
submitted by DevilWitcher128