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Just realized I had a shitty childhood
This will be a long post, I apologize in advance. Not really sure if this post belongs here, but I only discovered this page and I can pretty much relate to many of the posts here.
I come from a Filipino-Chinese family. My dad’s side of the family has a strong Filipino blood which I took to him so I look more Filipino than Chinese. My older brother on the other hand took from my Mother’s side and he looks very Chinese, which means he had smaller eyes and fairer skin. Growing up, I was always made fun of my friends, and even my mom for looking like a “Filipino” since I am slightly darker than my brother. She feels like it was just a joke but she made me feel like it was my fault I was born not looking more Chinese.
I admit I wasn’t an easy child, I was tomboyish and they favored my older brother. When I was 6, and my brother was 8, they went to Thailand without me. There was no explanation. They just left me with my aunt. When they returned, they told me that when I turn 8, then I can go abroad with them to make it fair since my brother had his first international travel at that age. But the next year, when I was 7, my brother 9, they went to the US and left me again. They went to Dineyland. Again, no explanation was given. 7 year old me would’ve enjoyed Disneyland, also going to the US was considered a big family trip. I know money was not an issue that time as we were doing quite well. The next year, when I was 8, we went to Hong Kong and they made a big fuss about it. “Yay! It’s your 1st international trip!” As of typing this, we never had the opportunity to go to the US.
I was also always punished physically as a child. I remember when I was just 3, my mom was teaching me to write both my English and Chinese names. Perhaps it was too much to me at the time, she slapped me hard on my head. She also used to pull my hair when she got really angry, she pulled too hard that she was actually dragging my 3-4 year old body. I would be slightly dizzy afterwards and my scalp would hurt for the next few days. She would also hit my bum with a belt a lot as I grew older.
The last time my mom slapped me was when I was 16. That’s when I accidentally installed a virus in our PC when I had to install Corel Draw (copy came from my classmate) because I had to do a layout project for our school paper. Mind you, our PC at home was only used to email relatives and do homework. My parents don’t use it for business or anything. But my mom got really mad to t he point of slapping me, as if I just burned our house down.
Also growing up, I had my own room. It’s not big. It got a bed, a small fan and a small chair. I always slept alone. My brother on the other hand slept with my parents till he went to highschool so I always saw it as them and me. One time when I was around 8, I don’t exactly remember what I did but my mom was so mad that she told me that the reason I don’t sleep with them was because I’m evil. That she don’t want me near my dad and my brother because Im a bad egg.
I think they know that they’re isolating me but they’re in denial. When I was around 11, my aunt from the US came to visit PH because my grandma was dying. My aunt gave me some colored pencils because she knew I love to draw. So to show her that I appreciate them, I drew a picture of a sunrise over a mountain with a single person watching it. I used to draw something similar when I was child because I love drawing suns and mountains.
So anyway, my aunt saw it and asked if she could keep it so she can put it up in her office cubicle. What I didn’t know was that she also showed it to my grandma, perhaps to show her that her grandchild can draw.
The next day, when we came to visit my grandma, she mentioned about my drawing and said something like “don’t quarrel with your brother. Love each other. Your drawing looks sad because of the single person on it.” Meaning she interpreted it as me drawing how I must’ve felt like. I didn’t take it seriously as my grandma loves being dramatic. My parents didn’t say anything, they just smiled.
As soon as we got home, my mom reprimanded me by saying that my drawing made them look bad. Like it made it look like they’re neglecting me, which was not my intention when I was making it. Now that I’m older, I’m thinking perhaps that maybe that was indeed the reason why I kept on drawing a similar image. Perhaps subconsciously I did feel alone, because of how they treated me.
Drawing made me feel better. In fact I always join drawing competitions at school. One time, I was chosen to represent our school at an inter school competition. I was 13 then. The contest was on a Sunday and my dad had to drive me to a university where the competition will be held. I wanted to join but I knew my parents wouldn’t let me simply for the reason that they had to drive me there. So I told my school that I couldn’t because my parents won’t let me. So the school decided to call my parents and to explain that they can drive me there instead. Once again, I was reprimanded because my parents believe that I asked my school to call them on my behalf, making them look bad for not allowing me to join the competition. In the end I just told the school that I personally don’t want to join and that was it. This was the reason I didn’t have any extracurricular activities growing up. I have to be home as soon as school is done. If I have to stay a bit, my mom would get angry and tell me that my dad is tired and wants to get home. (He drives us from home to school and vice versa everyday). They could’ve let us commute, but they don’t, but they hold it against us, saying things like “you’re lucky your dad is driving you. When we were your age, we were already commuting!”
Anyway, there are still a lot of things that I can share but it’s getting too long now, and I’m only realizing how sucky my childhood was now that I’m older. If you’ve reached this far, thank you for taking the time.
submitted by vongutom