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(LONG) The ultimate Mac Pro buyer's/upgrade guide for 2018

Mac Pro Buyer’s Guide: May 2018
Glad this channel is doing well, but I thought I’d add a few things as another late teens Apple enthusiast who just went through this exact process early 2017.
References/Resources:
You can download the official Apple Technician’s guide to the Mac Pro 5,1 from 2010 here:
http://tim.id.au/laptops/apple/macpro/macpro_mid2010.pdf
Get specs on any Apple product from either everymac.com or if you have an iOS device or Mac, download the app called Mactracker from the App Store. It’s the same thing, but very easy to use, that’s where I got the OS info of each model from.
Guide:
First, I’m gonna give a brief overview of the different versions of Mac Pro out there, then go part by part to describe how to look for upgrades based off my build and my experiences.
My build:
2010 Mac Pro 5,1 (authentic, not a flashed 2009)
Dual 3.33 GHz 6-core Xeon X5680s (12-core)
32GB RAM (4x 8GB ECC 1333MHz sticks)
GTX 970 4GB Reference (unflashed)
1 Dual HD-DVD/Bluray/DVD/etc. Combo drive
1 Stock Apple Superdrive (DVD/CD)
1 macOS 128GB SSD in OWE Accelsior PCIe to SATA 2.5” adapter
1 Samsung 840 Evo SSD 250GB for Windows OS
1TB HDD for macOS mass storage (install CD images of old OSes/apps)
1TB HDD for Windows mass storage (mostly games from Steam/Origin/etc.)
1TB HDD split: 500GB HFS+ for Time Machine, exFAT 500GB for Media storage (movies/TV shows/vinyl code uncompressed music/etc)
30” Cinema HD Display 2560x1600
Audioengine HD3 speakers
Logitech Performance MX mouse
Razer Blackwidow 2016 mechanical keyboard
Original Apple iSight external camera
(also, check this out and the rest of the site: http://www.minimallyminimal.com/blog/apple-isight
History:
The classic tower design was first used in 2003 as the body of the most powerful PowerPC Mac, the PowerMac G5. Interestingly, their biggest buyer was Microsoft, who used them as Xbox 360 dev kits. The main differentiators between any PowerMac G5 and Intel Mac Pro is that the G5 only has 1 disc drive on the front, and all the IO on the back is in 1 long column, whereas the Mac Pro has it in 2 columns. And, of course, the inside looks different.
Mac Pro 1,1 - 2006, runs 10.4.7 Tiger to 10.7.5 Lion
Mac Pro 2,1 - 2007 same as 1,1, except with an option for 8-core processors. Very similar to the iPod touch 3rd gen, where the 8GB was actually a 2nd gen and had the iPhone 3G specs, but the 16GB and 32GB were the real third gen and had 3GS specs, but they were sold at the same time alongside each other despite having different model numbers and internals. The Mac Pro 2,1 is just the 1,1 with dual and newer generation CPUs. Runs 10.4.9 Tiger to 10.7.5 Lion
Mac Pro 3,1 - early 2008, (out of date, and can’t easily and reliably be upgraded to Sierra or High Sierra. Not bad, but quickly becoming more and more out of date. Runs 10.5.1 Leopard to 10.11.6 El Capitan
Mac Pro 4,1 - early 2009, the final design of the classic tower, it had redone innards and looks identical to 2010 and 2012 models in almost every aspect, the sole difference being that this is the ONLY model of Mac Pro to use delidded CPUs. This is a process you can do yourself, and finding delidded CPUs compatible on sale is less common than the same CPUs lidded. There are ways around this, I think, but I don’t have one so I can’t speak for any techniques that raise the heatsinks enough to let you use a lid. Can reliably be flashed to identify itself as a 5,1, and therefore install High Sierra natively. (as a 4,1, if left unflashed), runs 10.5.6 Leopard to (later 2009 models shipped with, and therefore can only go as far back as 10.6 Snow Leopard), to 10.11.6 El Capitan
Mac Pro 5,1 - mid-2010 and mid-2012. Both models are identical, they only changed the year because of a spec bump, but the pieces themselves are identical. 2010s are generally cheaper because people will sell the 2012 to people for more, because it sounds newer. It’s not. Maybe the case will have less wear, but only because it’s 1-2 years newer. Runs 10.6.4 Snow Leopard or 10.7.x Lion (some late-stage 2010s, and all 2012s), up to 10.13.x High Sierra (and may lose support with 10.14)
DISCLAIMER: Genius Bar still supports 2012, but 2010 is considered “vintage,” which is fucking ridiculous since they’re identical, but if you’re buying one of these to upgrade and you’re the kind of person to need the Genius Bar for anything other than the most advanced and outlier circumstances where you can’t go to anyone but Apple, it’s fine to buy a 2010. Again, unless you need an official part replaced or something, but this “Supported” status of the 2012 is all subject to change as WWDC ‘18 is weeks away.
I don’t recommend buying anything below a 4,1 and prefer the 5,1 just because it’s more officially supported. (For now. It’s likely the next version of macOS won’t support 5,1, and there’ll have to be some other way to install 10.14, and Genius bar repairs will be a no-go for all aluminum towers)
PARTS GUIDE:
>I’m not an expert on pricing, so if I don’t warn about what to look for in terms of price, that means I probably don’t know and you’ll have to evaluate the best price yourself.
CPU: If you think you will ever want to have 2 CPUs, buy a Mac Pro with dual CPUs built-in over anything else because buying just the dual CPU tray on its own generally costs more than buying an entire other used Mac Pro, and the potential of 12-core is a wonderful allure.
If you have a single CPU MP, you can use Xeon W or a single Xeon X (whatever the model number begins with). If you have a dual CPU MP, you can only use Xeon X CPUs (each tier is roughly equivalent in terms of power, Intel just uses it to separate the CPUs designed for single or dual usage, since Xeons are normally for specialized, advanced users to buy for servers or certain workstations.)
The absolute best CPU you can put in a Mac Pro 5,1 (I don’t know what the W equivalent is called) is the Xeon X5690. However, it’s only several percent (in the single digits, I think), faster than an X5680, one model down, and for dual configurations X5680s are literally half the price on eBay, so unless money is no object I would look for X5680s over X5690s. Finding a “matched pair” (I think it means just tested to make sure they work efficiently together and are fully compatible) isn’t absolutely necessary, but it may mean incrementally better performance in certain circumstances. I don’t know, I’m not an expert on that.
GPU: General rule is that if you’re video editing, Final Cut Pro works best with AMD cards, and Premiere Pro works best with nVidia cards. If you’re gaming or using Windows, it’s up to you. It works (almost) exactly like a PC card, and there’s plenty of room for a big card so size is no issue.
HOWEVER**,** and this may actually discourage some people from buying a Mac Pro entirely:
The Mac Pro has no graphics drivers installed natively. Its EFI does not contain any graphics drivers so therefore, there are 3 options that you have. (Also, I'm sure I'm fucking up why it doesn't work like a PC might, but I do know I'm right about how to solve to problem in these three solutions
Buy a card model that Apple shipped in a Mac Pro. This is either a model that Apple sold with the Mac Pro originally that you must either buy flashed (using a PC you can connect it to and boot into, or if it came in a Mac Pro brand-new, it was already flashed in the factory), with an EFI that supports the Apple boot screen (that you hold alt to get to, to choose a boot volume), and the Apple recovery partition (that you hold Command-R on boot to get to or select from the boot screen)
The best card Apple ever shipped with the old Mac Pro was the AMD HD 7950 with 3GB of VRAM. I believe that any card Apple shipped has a free EFI available somewhere online to flash for yourself, so it doesn’t necessarily have to be a card that actually physically shipped in a Mac Pro. Best cards that you can flash to be natively compatible with Mac are the AMD R9 280x (which is virtually identical to the HD 7950, virtually same performance AFAIK), or GTX 680. You can also buy an Apple-branded (but those are more expensive) (or pre-flashed or unflashed, then you flash it yourself) nVidia GT120 just to switch the display to or to have plugged in to a secondary display to for the boot screen. These don’t require any other connections than its own PCIe port, so you can have it in simultaneously above a full-power GPU.
Get your card flashed, if the EFI is not available: If you don’t want to risk it (but if you don’t feel comfortable doing it, you probably shouldn’t buy a MP), or if you have a card where the EFI to flash it is not available online, you can see if it’s one of the models available to be flashed by macvidcards.com. This guy has been at it for years, and basically just as a hobby sells flashed cards and flashing services, to get newer and better cards natively working with every aspect of the Mac Pro. He does not offer either sale or just free downloads of his EFI to flash it yourself (because of course, someone could just reupload it to MEGA or use a torrent or something and he’d lose a great deal of income, makes sense I guess), so the only way is to either buy it from his preflashed or send in your own card for an exceptionally expensive fee to flash it yourself (because once again, even if you’re capable of doing the extremely easy process of flashing yourself, macvidcards doesn’t sell just the EFI files, and he’s pretty protective and secretive about how the EFIs are put together so unless you want to take the time to make one yourself for your card, you just can’t get the EFI on its own, and it’s fucking annoying. It prevents me from being able to upgrade my macOS without putting in an old card to boot into the installerecovery; it’s a big inconvenience.
Leave your card unflashed: This is what I have done (because holy shit it’s $174 to get my 970 flashed: $160 for the service and $14 for shipping, even though I’m close to this guy, but too far away and don’t have enough time nor a car to drop off my card there for a flashing service, that costs only $20 cheaper than I bought the entire card for on eBay). With this, you must keep the old flashed card around, and every time there’s a macOS update that changes the version number (including forced hotfixes like the one a couple months ago after 10.13 was released, and most if not all security updates), you must put the old card back in, boot, and install the upgrade from there, then
nVidia: Install the new nVidia drivers with the old flashed card inside, (and sometimes they take a couple days after an upgrade is released to update the driver, because the driver is matched with the macOS version number (and sometimes difference versions have multiple version numbers, so you have to click on the (10.x.x) number in “About This Mac” to find which one you have. Otherwise, since GPU drivers for Mac load at the end of the boot process, it won’t boot into the new OS, and will just kick back to Windows (because your card contains a windows-compatible driver), or remain at a black screen if you don’t have drivers installed for your card. This driver is separate from the EFI flash you need to have, but I’m not sure if the card will run a lower-quality (no vsync, no transparency, no GPU acceleration) version of macOS that should allow you to install a GPU driver. I know that’s how it works for hackintosh. There is no easy way to install a third-party EFI like rEFInd (formerly rEFIt), or Clover. Not entirely sure why, probably because it uses the Apple EFI first, and there’s some other issue with GPU drivers.
If you want to use a 1080ti, Titan XP, (and maybe Vega 64), it draws more power than the PCIe slot and two power ports can supply, but nowhere near the capacity of the 980w built-in PSU. You can tap either a SATA port or the PSU itself for extra power, but you have to physically modify the hardware for the PSU hack and you lose a SATA port if you tap it for power, so I don’t want to do that because I use every SATA port.
For more info on the power issue: http://www.macvidcards.com/blog/the-pesky-power-issue-with-pascal-1080ti-and-titan
AMD: Congratulations, you don’t have to install new drivers every time you upgrade your macOS installation because hey, Apple already sells (modified versions of) these GPUs in existing Macs, all the way from the RX 480/580 or earlier R8/R9 models, to the Vega 56 and 64 (which are supported since the iMac Pro has them, but the 64 may cause a power issue similar to the 1080ti/Titan XP issue). However, they still won’t show you the boot screen or take you to recovery without being flashed first. So same issues as the nvidia cards in that respect. The only difference is you don’t need to install third-party drivers.
IMPORTANT FOR WINDOWS/BOOT CAMP/LINUX/OTHER DUAL BOOTERS:
As of High Sierra, and specifically if your drive is in APFS format, Apple hasn’t released Boot Camp drivers for APFS on Windows, and also doesn’t mount HFS drives properly from a certain 2016 build of Windows 10 and onward. If your drive is HFS+, and you want to install Windows Vista, 7, or 8, you’re all good to install and with an unflashed card just switch the default boot drive each time before rebooting. However, since Windows 10 doesn’t recognize APFS, once you set Windows as the default boot drive you can’t boot back to macOS on APFS if you can’t access the boot screen. You could either revert your drive to HFS (which requires erasing it, I believe), or do what I did. It requires turning of System Integrity Protection (SIP; it locks anyone, software or user, from modifying boot files or system applications). To turn it off, boot to Recovery, open Terminal, and type “csrutil disable”
You can check if it’s on or off by entering “csrutil status” in either Recovery or your normal macOS boot, and back in Recovery only, reenable it with “csrutil enable”
Sidenote- with this turned off you can change system application icons like you can folders and third-party apps, and it only marginally decreases your security. You still need to download and install a virus for it to be a problem, it just prevents the virus from modifying any macOS or Apple software.
IMPORTANT FOR FILEVAULT USERS: If you use FileVault, the built-in full-drive encryption service, you CANNOT log in with an unflashed card. FileVault makes you sign in with your master password before booting the computer entirely, and yes, before loading graphics drivers to the computer itself, so it relies on the GPU EFI to do this. If you encrypt your drive with FileVault and have an unflashed card, your mac will just sit on a black screen indefinitely, and you have to swap it out for a flashed card, let it decrypt entirely because otherwise it will still request a password before boot, and then swap out the card to the unflashed one.
Optical Drives: Sure, you can swap them out for more SATA space (though it’s different from a hard drive SATA connector, you may need an adapter), I think there’s plenty of drive space in the Mac Pro and since mine came with 1 Superdrive I had room for one more so for $15 on eBay I found a combo HD DVD/Bluray/DVD drive, and though I don’t have HDDVDs, only Blurays and DVDs, it was still cheaper than buying a Bluray-only drive and lets me use HDDVDs if I ever want to. If you buy a third party drive, make sure you remove the front plastic piece that has all the logos on it before, otherwise it won’t fit through the slot when you try to eject it.
Fun fact, if you have only 1 optical drive, the case contains 4 screws in placeholder holes in the optical drive caddy. Kinda cool that they left them there so you wouldn’t have to search for fitting screws, and they have the fancy Apple design so it matches the case.
RAM: 1333MHz RAM is marginally best, but I haven’t noticed a huge difference between when I had the 8-core CPUs and the RAM ran at 1066MHz, and now when I have the 12-core X5680s and the same sticks run at 1333MHz. I think the bigger boost came from the CPU upgrade, but don’t let that stop you from buying the fastest RAM possible. Also, “registered” or ECC (error-correcting code) RAM comes with the Mac Pro, but is not required, if you have a ton of non-ECC RAM lying around. It just won’t boot if you mix and match ECC and non ECC (“unregistered”). You must have all the same kind of sticks. Mine came with 32GB, and my 2015 MacBook Pro has 16, so I dunno what smaller amounts of RAM will do to a Mac Pro of this age, or High Sierra, but it seems to be fine at 8-12GB or higher. 8 should be fine, but in the next year or two may become a little bit tight to use. Depends on the use case.
Networking: Between gigabit ethernet and built-in N wifi, I get along fine at home and at college, but if you need AC, you can buy a simple upgrade kit here:
http://www.osxwifi.com/adapters/apple-broadcom-bcm94360cd-802-11-a-b-g-n-ac-bluetooth-4-0-with-adapter-for-macpro-2009-and-macpro-2010
However, it’s fairly expensive, and I don’t need continuity/handoff/etc desperately, so I haven’t gotten it. You’re not going to find that special Bluetooth connector cable anywhere else easily, and this guy’s pretty reputable within the community, so just like macvidcards, it’s begrudgingly the best (and only) option to bring another part of your Mac Pro up to date.
*I think this is good for now, but I’ll go through it tomorrow afternoon and make sure I add in a storage guide and anything else I think I missed. Because that's a tech rabbit hole within itself. Thanks for making it to the end :)
submitted by ItIsShrek to LukeMianiYouTube

The Product, The Critic, and The Door

I am a product. Disney is my childhood. Nintendo is my childhood. Every franchise being milked right now is sadly my nostalgia from the 80s to the 90s to the early 2000s. Anything that I like about myself can be easily bought in a store or sold online. For cheap.
That's why I don't like myself much anymore.
He is a critic. He is known as the niche little corner of YouTube. Every mediocre film he and his group of friends and staff designate it so. Honestly, he just takes the sway of the internet's opinion. If everyone feels it's overrated on Rotten Tomatoes, he will attack it. If it gets under 50%, he destroys it. He panders to the online public and caters to outraged fans.
However, he is a funny guy and despite how much he attacks things I love, I also strangely found myself loving to watch his videos. I have downloaded all of them. I can't get enough of the guy. He cheers me up.
Which is why one day we had to meet.
Since I was twelve I had struggled with depression as soon as all my friends left me in little "clicks" all over the place to each lunch in junior high. In elementary I felt more united with my friends. The same class homeroom. The same teacher. The same faces.
Back then I knew everyone by name. I got a gist of each personality quirk, interest, and general idea of who they are when I am with them. Samantha loved dogs. Blake wanted to be president one day. Valerie was an aspiring actress. Elise was the smartest girl in the classroom. Luís was the most fun to be around, even though he teases everyone. Nobody could get what Chadwick was always thinking, he was the gentle giant of the group.
I loved my friends. I didn't move away. They didn't move away. Somehow, I think, we were still able to move away from each other.
By high school I Google searched ways to commit suicide. On an anonymous chat, one random forum member messaged me that he hoped I was joking, and I shouldn't do any of this. I looked up strangulation. Suffocation. Electrocution. Drug overdose. All of it. I just had no access to a knife, a gun or explosives (yet).
Sometimes I think why don't I just hang myself so someone can "Logan Paul" my swaying body in a vlog, only also pull down their pants and underwear to start twerking their bare ass in my face while laughing for subscribers? That sounds like something you'd watch. A "Try Not To Laugh Challenge" for the guffawing chorus that reflects the social emptiness that is inside all of you, while the rest of you rage-comment on the situation to make yourself into the better person you only think you are by simply addressing that.... look, I always know that I want to die.
When I was caught with pills in the kitchen by my mom she connected it to my teachers at PTA meetings always bringing up how jaded I am in the classroom and every time I was called on I wouldn't respond. It worried them. It worried them because I never graduated high school. I was a high school dropout. I dropped out because, as they said, "I wasn't even trying."
Sure that didn't stop my mom from registering me for college a few years later. Tired of babysitting me for my safety, or seeing me simply spend hours or even days watching anime I downloaded off of an online torrent. Those anime girls look cute, the artwork and backgrounds are detailed even in the worst anime, the music is always nice in those shows, and I always enjoy seeing something I am not familiar with. I even catch myself pausing a video subtitle on the top with that lesson for Western audiences what a particular word, object or phrase means. The only thing I know about Japan is that they made all my favorite video games.
Those make me happy.
Now here is something strange you need to understand when someone struggling with depression says something makes them "happy." What it does is comfort us a little bit as a sort of distraction. Then, if for any reason, we project ourselves as the hero of the story or game, or simply wish we could spend time with the characters. Talk to them. Work out the problems they display all the time. Make them my new friends. Have them count of me as the chosen hero to save their world. It actually makes me sad.
For one, this is a work of fiction. Why am I, like a child, longing to escape my own reality and gullibility feel so much for something pretend? Second, watching it does not really inspire me or anything like that. All it does it remind me of other things and my memory creates this nexus where I link different unrelated things to each other at the speed of thought.
So I will watch an anime, feel something familiar, remember some show I used to watch a long time ago as a little kid, or even an old video game I miss playing. Happy Meal toys or movie tie in video games. Musical notes that sound or feel similar, for example. Then it triggers feelings of nostalgia. Then pining to erase the now and go to the then. Then it hits me, I can't escape. That depresses me. Then I fall into it.
So even when I say something makes me happy, that doesn't mean I will "feel better about myself." I just remember my past. Something about myself. Even things I used to like. I am nothing more than a product.
Everything reminds me of the life I sucked away into those things. The cartoons I watched growing up, the toys I played with, the candy I ate, every single one was the same. Each would connect to any event or place in my past. A small micro Godzilla set I had once reminds me of spending the day at my grandmother's house. I remember losing it under her couch in '97. Now, years later, I still can't find it on Amazon but I swear it was on eBay back in 2006.
I didn't grow up alone. I had a little brother, Tyler. My mom lived with her current boyfriends at the time, and each time they knew they didn't have to do much to warm up to me. I was the easiest to please. They can come home with a Happy Meal, and I would excitedly open the small plastic bag to get at the licensed toy. They'd put on a show on TV, I'd start watching it and absorb each damn thing like a sponge. My little brother wasn't so easy to win over. He wouldn't trust them.
They would cater to him as if he were the one they were dating. They would ask if anything they do is alright and if he needs anything from the kitchen. One of them wasn't though, an abusive alcoholic who had a negative episode that startled me and my brother, and when we both saw him hit mom, it was over.
Things weren't always perfect but my family, with the rotating "father figures" and mom and Tyler. We had each other, and I figured things could work out.
I remember drinking a Pepsi with a logo of a movie "now in theaters". My mom was really late picking up Tyler from school. I stayed home because it was Senior ditch day and I binge-watched DVDs that were strewn about the dark living room. Mom opened the door, kissed my cheek (she never does that) and asked me what I was watching. I told her it was just a cartoon on Nickelodeon. Tyler stumbled though the door right as mom told me. And when she told me, I spat out Pepsi everywhere.
Tyler had onset leukemia. Mom drove him away from me while I cried in my bedroom knowing I was going to lose my only brother.
There was this comedy, I won't name it, but Tyler loved it. He really spend all day and watched it all the time at the hospital. I was relieved when I visited him that he wasn't upset. He wasn't crying or any of that. He enjoyed watching it over and over because it did something to him. It made him laugh.
"Tyler, do you like this movie?"
Tyler looked at me with an added color to his pale demeanor. His smile, while to me seemed forced, wasn't unnatural for a kid who went through as much as he did, but still finding ways to keep going. He succeeded. All he did was turn his head to me, and nodded.
It was Tyler's favorite show and I would watch it, forever creating the memory of watching something with my smiling brother before he died later that year in August. At the funeral my mother was alone (she was recently single after her latest break-up) and I was feeling terrible. From all the media I grew up with I was looking around expecting rain. None came, other than the raindrops on the faces of my mom, Tyler's best friend Cody, and me as we all stared at the little jar that had his ashes. At the reception I stood at the refreshment table for a long, long time, as though that were Tyler's grave.
I was twelve when Tyler died. At the time I went to junior high it only got worse, as you well know...
I was around school at lunch trying to make pretty girls like me as some kind of rebound. If I had been drinking, at least that could have been an excuse. But no, I had to be a mental case who scared every female friend away. I needed to change focus.
I decided to pursue college and since I was a big fan of "Finding Nemo" I found myself studying marine biology with almost as much interest as a show. That should tell you something. I was hooked and did VERY well on tests for these sorts of classes. I was paying attention to water temperatures and consistency, the delicate ecosystem of the wildlife, and the excitement of going diving to see the kelp forests myself. I got accepted into a university in California and even got a miraculous grant from the marine biology lab.
Even when working for the future, I still found myself not wanting it. I'm just a stupid product.
Then one day I was chatting with a strange user on a TOR network on how to set up something for my next suicide attempt when the browser crashed the computer. I turned it off and went to the next one. I was at a UCSB computer lab, after all. They have so many empty labs in this one building I was in I think I saw this one fat guy binge-watching Pornhub for a good 8 hours jacking it directly under the camera so as not to be seen. I saw him, but I wouldn't report him if it meant people asked what I was doing. I think UCSB campus police are still looking for him.
On the other Windows XP computer there, I surfed on YouTube for a bit before I came across the name of a show I recognized. It was a critic of sorts in a thumbnail flipping me off with the film's title directly overhead. Now, since the computer was shit and the bandwidth was lousy on these things, it was loading the video more akin to my grandmother's computer up in Sacramento, who had dial-up.
Eventually the video began to buffer, but not before an ad. I grew up as an ad. I was an ad. So I let it pass. Then it was over. After failing to hitting "skip ad" I still had to wait for the video itself to load. I hate that I had to sit through the buffering of the ad before it can process the video I actually want to watch.
Why did I watch it? I guess I was curious. I wanted to know what someone would say about the film. He said enough to convince me that it was lazily written, poorly acted, and sloppily edited. Scene by scene he pointed out to me that all my good memories about this thing was a lie, and that I need to have better taste. Hollywood shits out lazy movies like this to this day, and I still can't believe that I bought into it, even as a child, hook line and sinker.
Actually it wasn't a surprise. I am their little product, after all.
I tried watching Tyler's movie from time to time to actively depress myself so I can have the companionship of his memory. The film in question isn't considered to be very funny, and is highly criticized online, hence why I won't name it. I remember the hurt I felt from seeing everyone tell me how unfunny and stupid the movie is, as if it were from Happy Madison.
If I had seen it on my own, I would understand this. It is bad, if you look at it that way. But I saw how much it cheered up Tyler, his body still managing smiles after intense chemotherapy sessions that made him look as tired as he did happy. Nostalgia is such a sweet wine that I have to ask: Can a bad movie give you good memories?
Like it did for my brother?
I am still a product, so how can I know. I'm far too biased and easy to please. With the rich franchise history I grew up with, I have no "favorites," if anything it always rotates. Movies exist to entertain. Toys exist to be played with. Music is meant to be heard. Art is made to be seen. So why criticize them at all? Why segregate both them and those people who either like or dislike it into private wars. Why speak for everyone about the "best" and the "worst" when people are the worst?
Still anyway, I finally started watching the rest of his next video. It frustrated me to see him poke fun at something I saw as a kid. I saw the recommended sidebar, seeing him attack all my favorite cartoons growing up or children's movies. Really.
However, I found something interesting about him. He was very entertaining. He had an angry charm. I couldn't help but stifle some laughs into coughs as the video went on. I clicked on more and more. I went to Keep Tube and downloaded as many of those videos I could find.
I watched him on my home PC (which had no internet connection AT ALL) and stuck in my USB stick. I believe it had about 28 GB, even though the label is 32. I know how it goes. 8 GB flash drive is really 7 GB. 4 GB flash drive is really 3 GB. False advertising by this much, maybe someone in the comment section is more tech savvy to answer why data is limited. When I downloaded his videos, I put them all in 3GP video file, the smallest I could find so as to have hundreds of videos all there at my fingertips.
I spent all summer watching his YouTube series offline in my bedroom, and I found it funny to see promotional videos and Indiegogo campaigns that are both dated and desperate. I didn't care. I still enjoyed all his content, even though due to the very pixelated format, I couldn't read a single word when displayed or any detail properly. Basically, anything small was a blur.
After Thanksgiving I put off my plans for suicide. I felt that I could wait until after the holiday season when I could feel good about people one last time. I did really want to die sometime before Valentine's day due to every crush I had breaking each piece of my heart. The worst part is, they never know they did this to me, and I know they are nice in person. That makes it harder.
After finishing ALL his videos, each 20-40 minutes in length, I had a very knowledgeable criteria for criticism in the first place. However, I still felt the pangs that it wasn't right to call a movie bad, even if it was. It was good enough for Tyler.
The year 2014 passed the baton fast and 2015 came our way.
By early February, I had a plan. I called in a "package" to my dorm in Santa Rosa. It would be around noon. Inside, I was promised, would be my ticket out of here. I had to be careful, especially since I knew security would be tight on the place. After all, Isla Vista just had that shooting last May with our dear friend Elliot Roger getting his old "retribution". I got stiffed by gorgeous Californian women all the time, but I never blame them, I blame myself... For asking them, for following them, and for hoping for them. Those were my actions and I have to be punished on my own terms. Instead of a finger wag or allowing them to call me a "creeper" I owe it to these women that I die, so there is one less stalker wishing self-aggrandizing fantasies of anything other than rejection (Or at least one less LMN post with all the "victim blaming"). You can say I can control myself or move on, but the easy way out of any room is the emergency exit and you can ignore the alarm.
Besides, I get tired of seeing them whisper to each other when I catch myself staring at them or simply after talking too long with them. I know they are talking about me. What else could they talk about?
Maybe they can talk about how much I needed that package. The package arrived on time. February 7th, 12:00 at noon. I hoped it would go off, and by this point I didn't care who I took with me for the free ride home.
Back to my heavenly home where Tyler waits.
As I picked it up, it was very disappointing to find it empty. It may not have even been mine. I walked with it without thinking. I took off my backpack earlier so I left the package near the dining hall floor and I knew campus police were immediately alerted to the "suspicious package" and even my fucking backpack. At the next second, someone just grabbed me by the hand and I remember running blindly away. By the time anyone gathered there, I found myself "evacuated" to another dorm building.
Realizing that freeing my bonds on campus, or anywhere near it for that matter, was too risky I had a new plan. I knew of a neighborhood I hadn't been to in years. This would decrease the risk of taking people with me, so I apologize in advance if any of you wished for that free ride home to see family, friends, and pets long gone waiting to welcome you home...
This is not our home.
Out. I have to get out. I am a product. I wasn't supposed to arrive here. Here on this world. None of us were. We just pollute it. We just overrun it. We just hate each other and kill. Because we were never supposed to be here. Those quiet thoughts in the night sky, when you mentally wish you were further than the stars than you are right there, behind the eyes that look up at those stars, beyond that suffering body in your mess of a world. Out. Out I say... we have to leave.
Tyler already left. I bet someone will comfort me, sending me condolences about his departure. Saying he is in a better place. Well, that settles it. Let's all go to that "better place." No one has to be comforted there, and it seems to be a place where no one ever has to say goodbye.
We need more hellos.
Out. I have to be with Tyler. He must miss me as much as I miss him. I'm coming Tyler, don't worry. I'll get out. I'll say hello.
One day, you all will meet Tyler too, don't worry he's a nice guy. He's my brother and I love him. You will get to meet him very soon. Whether you want it or not. Death comes to release you. Anyone who survived violence or abuse in every way can easily tell you that life can be so much harder than death. What about children? Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven.
Wow, our home is a kingdom! I will almost feel better about myself after I die...
I get tired so I get in the car. It was a long trip. After a while I just started rolling the windows down and felt the breeze cool my face while looking across the spinning valley out my window like it's my favorite show...
Until I finally arrive.
My old house... you want to talk about nostalgia? There, there in that room I played Super Nintendo all day. Earthbound and Mario Kart, mostly. I looked around at the place. The old creaky wooden floorboard, how I've missed you! My old bedroom. Without the large stuffed 4.ft T-Rex in the middle of my room, the glowing planets and stars strung on the ceiling, and the large bin of Happy Meal toys littered around the place it all really felt empty, and noticing where these things used to be only served to frustrate me more that the past was better than it probably actually was.
If we can't escape this life by death, we mentally escape this present to the past. It explains why the 80s is the defining thing about the 2010s. All we want are the franchises back, the music back, Russian relations back, and all the progress of 30+ years cut back.
Walking around the house from the outside I would peek in now in then from the windows. That's funny. They converted my old house into a duplex. I asked the new manager and he told me the other tenant doesn't like to be bothered when he's at home, "but it really don't matter none," he said, "since he most never comes over anyway."
So I go back to the darkest online corner and I find it. Pipe bombs. "These devices are essentially pipe bombs rigged to explode upon opening." I look up schematics, blueprints, and any other warnings that are actually still with the product while still trying to sell it. I posed as a frustrated construction worker and said that a building scheduled for demolition wasn't zoned properly but it's my ass if it doesn't go down in time. So I have to use drastic measures. With that I easily found an agreeable seller.
I sent them a PM before they responded hours later. They agreed that the package would arrive on my location. The scary thing about TOR network with no firewall or VPN is that the NSA and CIA can easily find me out as I waited for a reply to something that might actually be a security issue involving this weapon. They can drag my ass to jail and call in the bomb squad.
Eventually they told me it was on it's way and told me this works but I need to find a way to connect it upon triggering. The wires, you see, aren't touching. If they do, then BOOM!
It wasn't going to come that same day, so I spend a few hours browsing all the TOR websites you will NEVER see on Google. Another reason to kill myself. Didn't I tell you I am a creep? It's just the way I am? A damaged product?
It came! Oh the joy when it came! I am so happy...
I set the bomb behind the wall to the entrance. Let me tell you about the door.
At the center of the duplex, right in the middle was a lobby of some sorts. This was added as a part of renovations that took place years after my family moved out. Apparently my brother's room is in the other side of the house and was made into the living room of the 2nd house in the duplex. So all I have to do is open the door that leads into my side of the duplex. Simple.
The door itself has a problem opening though. It gets stuck. So if I am unlucky I can find my suicide delayed as I play with the knob of the door for a long, long time. For hours I tried opening and closing the door before the package arrived to test it out to see if there really are problems with the door.
Eventually I decided to go out for a while, believing that if I just leave the door open the trigger wouldn't go off unless someone were to first close, then open the door. I was prepared to return back to a world with the nothing I was given in this one.
Out the door I go.
Out the door I go.
I left the door open on my way out. I got into my yellow Sedan and I drove down the empty highway until I arrived at civilization. I made it to the store to get some last things taken care of, close my bank account, and pay the very last of my bills. Death costs money.
Hours went by and I almost forget all about my plans. I see a panel that was once set up now being taken apart as a man struggled to take the table and pick it up. I guess there was a convention at this local mall, I just realized this was the last public place I've ever been to since Santa Barbara.
I do something out of character, or at least I think something. I want to go to heaven, and I am normally a selfish guy but I decide that the action is louder than the selfish thought of points. I know that regardless of my own mindset I know what it is I am supposed to do. The man almost drops the large table before I find myself at the other end, holding it up. The man doesn't say a word as he looks at me once before taking it into his truck.
I see a woman setting up chairs in the open auditorium. She didn't even have a chance to ask who I was before I started setting up chairs in rows with the other few people helping out. For some reason, during the spontaneity of my charitable actions, I felt better about myself. I almost, and I was this close, to calling off ending my own life.
Out the door I go.
Out the door I go.
Until at last I arrive.... that's strange....
Ashes. My childhood house... my duplex.... gone.
There was a distance smell of popcorn so much that it felt like it burned into my teeth. I saw smoke and in the mist I saw objects in black that I could not make out but smelled terrible.
The only person who could have set off the bomb was the manager. So you can image my shock when I saw the man running at me at full speed immediately after pulling his car up as the fire department put out the nonexistent flames in the area.
"You're alive!" Words I was not happy in the least to hear. However, there was curiosity on WHO it was that literally bit the dust. The manager told me the unthinkable happened, the other tenant came inside while I was gone. He closed the door on his way in and stayed for less than an hour before going out again and as soon as his hand must have twisted the door on the way out...
I never had a chance, so I took the time to ask him who it was that was the tenant for the duplex on my other side. He said he was just there for the weekend convention and that he is on YouTube.
Funny how I saw his lastest review was on Tyler's favorite movie. When I saw the thumnail for that movie.... the movie that made Tyler happy. The movie still made me happy. I decided NOT to watch this one after all. Maybe this critic deserved what happened to him.
I'm pretty sure it wasn't him because the critic I mentioned earlier still posts videos....albeit they may be prerecorded. He even uploads them now, but maybe someone else is in charge of that. Also he had a falling out with viewers a while back this year. Something about how he ignored the internal problems with his channel for years.
I looked it up. All these videos about it made people feel like the critic's critic. It gave them something to talk about. To get upset about. To exploit and vent their feelings, saying they will never drop the issue.... until of course another issue and another make it so they forget about it so you don't have to.
You think I am the only product? Every review, react video, or even all the" lets plays" ever to grace the internet is all sold on hearsay, opinions, and even the occasional rant. They want you fired up. They want you fed up. A movie or video game has to suck, really hard. Or be really good. They have to be right. They have to be loud. We all must be cynics. You have to subscribe...
What it is is that we make it too easy to be too unhappy. I know I'm not the only one who feels like a product. Hell, I bet throughout this whole story you are fucking pissed that I keep bringing it up that I am a product and that I want to kill myself. Well, maybe it is because of one simple fact.
I am my own best critic. Unlike you, any troll, or hater out there I have literally been trapped inside my own body, watching things behind my eyes as though that were the only TV and I can never change the channel.
I know my faults, thoughts, fetishes, sick fantasies, fears, memories, and me. I talk to myself saying things like "I have no future, I have no future." Like a mantra. I want it to end. I want to die because I am also tired of wanting to die.
We criticize everything. WE like to criticize others. But when it comes to ourselves we are honest and hateful. No one ever truly likes themselves. We know ourselves too well, it's why we become critics.
In this world of critics and products I ask you is the product important because a critic says it so or is the critic important because they designate it so. The answer is neither ever will matter, but seem to work off each other trying to make themselves matter.
Ever wonder why depression is the most viral thing online?
We are our own worst critics.
So it comes to no surprise to any of you that I have now been attending special therapy sessions and am now at the moment currently still on suicide watch. My group consists of people who are outwardly optimistic and friendly, but inside I know they are suffering the same way homosexuals would at a Christian gay camp. We think a certain way deemed harmful, and are directed by people who do not understand us.
So as you expect everyone excitedly says how they've been making "great progress" each time we have to share. I'm actually more honest with everyone and tell them straight that because of previous attempts law enforcement wants me to attend. I'm lucky how that was what the judge sentenced and how the death of a man I did not know but always watched seemed to go unnoticed.
Nobody understands why I keep staring out at the open door every group meeting. One time the group leader, fed up with me bumming out a group already struggling with depression, told me that at any time I wanted to take my own life I should just walk out the front door....
....I've been staring at that friendly door for the longest time. Wondering why the door was shut to me I set up to take me home.
Home to Tyler. Home away from this crummy life. Home to where I will like myself. Where I won't be seen as some product. Take away the toys, the commercials, the movies, every label. Make an extreme YouTube strike not on channels, but on our lives, and you will find we are empty shells filled with shit we grew to love or grew to hate its smell. Without that franchise shit.... it seems we are nothing.
Tyler is nothing to all of you right now. He only matters because I tell the story. There was no way your brain needs him like mine. We are all unique. We are all critics and products. I don't like how we don't get along. I don't like how we fight. I don't like the thought of staying in this world with all of you. I don't like being alive. I don't like being some stupid product. I don't like criticizing myself for being one. I want to be with Tyler because he liked himself. That's what I liked most about him.
Doors let people out. Out of the room. Out of the conversation. Outside where freedom waits. Outside where no one hates. Not even yourself.
Doors are a wonderful thing. An escape. A gift. A wonder. I love them. I know doors because I used them all my life to shut out my parents. The shut out my teachers. To shut out the world.
Nothing makes me happier than a door. When I say "happy" I think you know what I mean... so
Out the door I go.
Out the door I go.
Because someone left the door open just for me. So I can think of new ways to end this old life. I hate myself more than ever before. I got counseling. I got professional help. What you never understand at all is how I think, what I feel. I feel like all three things:
The Product, The Critic, and The Door
submitted by Kaladad9893 to nosleep